MOSTLY CRUSHING DESPAIR

MOSTLY CRUSHING DESPAIR

(Inspired by some recent exchanges and kind thoughts)

Sometimes I become quite excited

Brief optimism will fill the air

Considering trying to do this and that

That things that I try may be quite fair

Then out come demons to pounce on me

From the dark places wherever they lurk

To whisper and scratch at what’s left of my mind

To tell me that it simply won’t work

Hope turns to cinders in moments

Enthusiasm crashes to earth

Those big ideas now seem ridiculous

I fill with loathing and a lack of self-worth

Mostly I feel an overwhelming

Sense of crushing despair

Sometimes there’s a twinkle of hope

But mostly it’s crushing despair

Sometimes I believe that my poems

Really aren’t actually half bad

And I wonder if I might put my hat on

Contemplating a notion that’s quite mad

That I might sit on a tall stool and mutter

Sat in front of a live camera lens

Knowing I couldn’t do it in front of people

Even if it was a room full of friends

Instantly I decide that’s so arrogant

Immortalising my nonsense on video

What on earth must I have been drinking

It’s such a stupid idea - yes I know

Then I will feel that overwhelming

Sense of crushing despair

Sometimes there’s a twinkle of hope

But mostly it’s crushing despair

Sometimes there comes a kind suggestion

Send some of those thoughts off somewhere

Such a nice thing to say you'd be thinking

But then here comes that crushing despair

Why would anyone want to pay for a look

When they won’t even read if for free

Despite any of many encouraging comments

Why would anyone want to read thoughts by me

Since because we’re all our own worst enemy

Though some hide it far better it’s true

So determined I am from the outset to fail

These prophecies will turn out like they do

Mostly I feel an overwhelming

Sense of crushing despair

Sometimes there’s a twinkle of hope

But mostly it’s crushing despair

Sometimes I think about subtly screaming

Mainly at myself but at the whole of the world

I’m so dependent upon your enthusings

To fuel mine that it’s becoming absurd

The universe doesn’t give enough of a damn

About these strange ideas disguised as bad art

I need to do something about it myself

Though I realise I don’t know where to start

Next I’ll scuttle off under rocks devastated

Wondering if in life might offer a collaborator

Who’d put up with me and my little ways

Yet will understand that sooner or later

I’ll be feeling an overwhelming

Sense of crushing despair

And despite the occasional twinkle of hope

There’s always that crushing despair

MAWH, Jan 2018