WONDER OF ‘WONDERS’

“So, Professor, you’ve been all around the Solar System, and then the Universe, where do you want to go next?”

“Somewhere else, obviously…”

“Tricky…”

“I thought maybe ‘Wonders of an Alternate Universe’ might work…?”

“Again… It’s not easy to get to, though, is it…?”

“Well, fundamentally…”

“I mean, the film crews absolutely adore doing your shows, Prof, they really do. All that flying off to exotic locations to watch you stare wistfully into the middle distance after saying something profound...”

“And beautiful…”

“As you say… Lovely stuff! Good hotels, lots of overtime, they love it…”

“Magnificent…”

“Indeed, but I can’t see anyone agreeing to accompanying you through a black hole…”

“No…? It would be a fundamentally magnificent experience…”

“Possibly, but the unions would never agree to it….”

“No…?”

“No… and then there are the broadcast dates to consider. What might be a few weeks to you could be a few million years to us back at television centre. What do we show them in the meantime…? More repeats…?”

“They’re not repeats, fundamentally... They’re magnificent and beautiful recursive space-time events…”

“Yes, well, we have tried that one, actually…”

“Did it work…?”

“Not really, no... Then we’ve got to consider the budget. We live in hard times. Experimental journeys into alternate dimensions don’t come cheap, you know... Couldn’t you at least consider staying at home for the next series?”

“Eh…?”

“The focus group came up with ‘Wonders of Inner Space’, so perhaps…?”

“It’s not really my field…”

“‘The Inner City’… No…? I suppose ‘The North’ is unknown territory for a lot of our viewers, maybe you could…?”

“No!”

“Oh...? Pity. I mean you do have connections around there, I’m told. Ah well... Maybe we should just consider filming ‘Wonders of My House’… Obviously, by ‘my’ we mean ‘your’ but it works better with your name attached… We could get that lot from ‘Changing Rooms’ involved. It would also go down well for a repeat… er... recursive thingummy… in the daytime schedule… and you are very telegenic, you know, to viewers of a certain age…”

“’Ang on…”

“Oh yes. We could film you gazing into a magnificent fire roaring away in a beautiful Georgian fireplace, watching the coal change fundamentally into energy…”

“ITV have made me a good offer, you know…”

“Have you considered being on the panel on a talent show? You and that Brian May doing your rock & roll astrophysics bit, and a couple of other celebs with PhDs maybe... You get to pick the next Astronomer Royal from willing members of the public. We thought ‘Search for a Stargazer’ might be a good title… No…? What about a game show? ‘Thank your Lucky Stars’...? ‘The Brians Trust’...? ‘The Two Brians’...? Prof…? Prof! Where are you going, Prof?”

“Nobber!”