A HAWKING PARADOX

I made the mistake the other evening of gently (if affectionately) mimicking the electronic voice that Professor Stephen Hawking uses from his wheelchair and I was rightly criticised, for it is never right to mock the afflicted, even if the mockery is intended with the greatest of respect. Apparently it’s alright if they do so on “The Big Bang Theory”, but less so if I do it in the privacy of my own home.

The ElectroLumley® Voice Simulator...?

Still with that confession into the more unseemly parts of what I still obliquely refer to as my “personality” addressed, why (you must be wondering) did this need any further attention drawing to it today? Well, as with most things, it kind of got me thinking. The Professor, despite the massive handicaps and setbacks he has suffered over the years, works in some of the finest research institutions in the world and has access to all the engineering departments working on all of the latest polyphonic simulated voice technology and yet, despite the fact that he could choose to sound like Joanna Lumley if he chooses to, continues to use that same slightly electronic monotone that he has used for years.

Now, why is this, we might ask?

Is it because the software is familiar? Even though technology has moved on in leaps and bounds, an electronic voice reading out words that are typed out is still likely to struggle to create any emotion or nuance, so it’s probably better to stick with what is known to you. Despite all my finest pathetic attempts at adding subtlety and wit into these daily diatribes, if an electronic reader read them, they would fall as flat as the proverbial pancake and have about as much vim and vigour as a wet Sunday afternoon in January.

Mind you, I always suspect that they do that anyway…

And we really shouldn’t be so quickly dismissive of what an achievement that electronic reader actually is, because, when you start to think about it, it’s a remarkable thing. There’s an early episode of “Star Trek” made in 1966, still less than half a century ago, in which the best communication device that they could predict from such a situation was a bulb that flashed once or twice for yes and no, and they were imagining that being a solution from the 23rd century, so whatever developments there have been in reality have been both staggering and at an astonishing rate, so perhaps that voicebox really is “state-of-the-art” after all, a truly astounding achievement and not one to be lightly mocked

But then, after mulling that over for a while, I suddenly began to appreciate the real point: The Professor doesn’t change his voice because nowadays, after all these years of him using his electronic voice synthesiser in public, that voice is the one that the world tends to regard as being his. From his appearances on “Pink Floyd” tracks to guest starring in “The Simpsons” and all of his many documentary narrations and other public appearances, that, to all intents and purposes is what we think his voice sounds like. I’m sure if we got to hear recordings of any conversations he once made in his own voice, the general public would decide that he didn’t sound like him at all, and neither would they if he chose to update it.

After all, most of us don’t suddenly get to decide what we sound like to other people, and if we could, I’m sure that they would find it most disconcerting. This also led me to think a little more about the public image of the average celebrity. The general public do tend to be rather conservative when it comes to our relationships with public figures. We can be very dismissive of someone if they change their hairstyle, for example, from the style we first recognised them as having, and we can be terribly outspoken and rude about the public appearance of politicians and actors, mercilessly mocking them based solely upon their appearance, in a way that we really wouldn’t if we were talking about someone that we knew more intimately.

Well, maybe not about, after all, many of we humans really can be truly beastly about people if we think they’re not listening (have you seen what Martin’s done to his hair? What WAS he thinking?!), but certainly if we were talking to someone we knew.

The press in particular, perhaps with the encouragement of their readership, can be utterly brutal about such things, but, from the point of view of the public figure, it must be so much worse than for us if they decide upon a makeover of some kind. Society really does seem to take no prisoners. I’m remembering particularly the things that were written about Cherie Blair or Camilla Parker-Bowles during their days in the spotlight. And it seems that it is perfectly acceptable for anyone at all to comment upon these things, even if they are showing little evidence of having looked into a mirror themselves in recent times.

If you think about famously long-haired blokes like James May or Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, it must be quite a bold decision to have a haircut when you know that pretty much the only thing that you are recognised for is your long hair and, when it’s gone, you could suddenly be walking down the street without anyone batting an eyelid.

Perhaps for them this seems like a good thing, and yet there is a lot to be said for having a distinctive look in this day and age, but for our more famous folk, their public image can be the very thing that they are defined by, which is probably why the Professor (and perhaps his publishers) choose to stick with his recognised vocal intonations I don’t know how many other people in the world use similar technology to communicate, but I’m willing to bet that if they do start speaking, most of the people they’re speaking to instantly think of Professor Hawking, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.