LAMPROPHONY 311015

"That sheepish gentleman is a complete lamprophony, Watson" said Holmes "I thought that was perfectly clear to everyone..."

It really doesn't matter about
The clarity of your lamprophony
If your message keeps landing on
Ground that is much too stony

"Lamprophony" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that spells out loudly and clearly exactly what you are

Mutters and mumbles
Do not bring lamprophony
Can I make that clear?

Lamprophony and telephony used to work well together until it turned out that the entire carriage knew all about your piles.

Lamprophony -
°loudness and clarity of enunciation.

ERINACEOUS 301015

"The villain was described as being erinaceous, Watson" said Holmes "that, or she was bashed over the head with a toilet brush"

He was a creature erinaceous
A little spikey, and a great big lug
But it would be erroneous
To think all he needed was a hug

"Erinaceous" (from Kelvin Clone) - the nocturnal fragrance that gets right to the point

Alas poor hedgehog!
That erinaceous fellow
Who got run over

The Erinaceous Society - membership is open to anyone who's got a tiggy winkle

Erinaceous -
°Of, pertaining to, or resembling a hedgehog

KVETCH 291015

"I deduce from the fact that he let out a long, protracted moan, Watson, that our victim is none other than Mr Kvetch himself!"

I'm not one to complain,
Whinge, kvetch or moan,
But I should make it plain
That I don't like your tone.

"Kvetch" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that you'll probably like, even though there have been a few complaints

Drinking deeply from
The last of the summer whine
Will make you a kvetch

However you choose to pronounce "tomato", you'll probably get somebody's kvetch up.

Kvetch -
°Person who endlessly whines or complains.
°Person who finds fault with anything.
°Describing a kvetch or kvetcher.
°To whine or complain, often needlessly.

ABSTRUSE 281015

"The villain thinks that he's being abstruse, Watson" said Holmes, "but it's not too difficult to work out"

Some call me abstruse
Others - incomprehensible
But whichever you choose
Is probably most sensible

"Abstruse" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that, when you get it, you'll understand completely

The abstruse person -
One hardest to understand -
Is most worth knowing

The Christmas Day abstruse, when all the bodybuilders can relax and let their bellies run wild

Abstruse -
°remote from apprehension; difficult to comprehend or understand; recondite; as, abstruse learning.
°(obsolete) concealed or hidden out of the way.

BLOOD PRESSURE

Had my blood pressure check
They mentioned something incidental -
My cholesterol's gone to heck
Instead of pies I should eat more lentils...

MAUNDER 271015

"Oh! How the girl used to maunder on so, Watson" said Holmes as we viewed the body "if only she'd got to the other point first"

I've been known to maunder,
To prattle and ramble -
Choosing to live as a poet
Is a bit of a gamble

"Maunder" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...

For endless prattle -
Maunder over to Twitter
And join the chatter

"There's been a maunder..." said Inspector Taggart, gravely, "someone's talked this poor chappie to death..."

If your lambs are known to maunder, they may have a gambolling problem.

Maunder -

°To speak in a disorganized or desultory manner; to babble or prattle.
°To wander or walk aimlessly.

EGRESS 261015

"I have my own theory about how the fellow made his egress, Watson" said Holmes "...but I'll admit that it's pretty way out..."

People who are terribly shy
Plan our egress before we arrive
Involve us in chatter & fun? 
Well, I think we'd much rather die

"Egress" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance for people who get away with murder

A departure lounge
Where the egress has landed
Seeking a way out

"Egress" he said "I think I'll go now" and with that, he put on his flat cap and departed, leaving Grace weeping alone.

Which egress is best -
Go out kicking and screaming...?
Or die quietly...?

Egress -
°An exit or way out.
°The process of exiting or leaving.
°To exit or leave; to go or come out.

HISPID 251015

"Such a hispid fellow, Watson, was always going to end up having a brush with the law" said Holmes, his eyes twinkling.

When I was a lot younger
I knew this hispid fellow -
These days he's very well connected
My old friend Mister Velcro

"Hispid" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance you'll keep buying now that we've got you by the short and curlies

So very hispid -
Daily four o'clock shadow
Leaves me bristling

She got invited back to hispid, but the cheapness of his matting made it a hair-raising experience

Hispid -
°(obsolete) Covered in short, stiff hairs; bristly.

CANOODLE 241015

"We need to canoodle this young woman into giving us the information, Watson" said Holmes, "I think this is more your area..."

My folks used to warn me of
Strangers saying they have a poodle
Such bad people in the park
Might want to canoodle
(or worse)

"Canoodle" (from Kelvin Clone) - You might find this fragrance rather touching

Lover's recipes -
Spicing up a canoodle
Makes the food of love

Before Pot Noodle, there was Canoodle... but it always needed a lot of persuading to get it out of the tin

Canoodle -
°To caress, touch up, pet or make love.
°To persuade or cajole.

LUCUBRATE 231015

"Watson, I'm going to my room to lucubrate" said Holmes. 
"Well, that's very..." I began. 
"Illuminating...?"

You might think it's very late
But here the world arises
At these poor rhymes I lucubrate
Before dawn - it's when I'm wisest

"Lucubrate" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that the people who now work for me used to tell me I'd never need

To be a bright spark
Burn the candle at both ends -
Lucubrate nightly

To see the light, lucubrate

Lucubrate - A word which might go a long way towards explaining why the Welsh are so wise...

Lucubrate -
°To work diligently by artificial light; to study at night.
°To work or write like a scholar.

CHARACTER LIM(IT)ERICKS

There once was a chatty old dimwit

He'd talk to any1 given a minute

He'd get in a stew

Cos everything he would do

Exceeded the character lim

From a star distant light did emit

And time it just couldn't dim it

It came from afar

Then bounced off a car

Oh bugger this character limit

An old poet tries to keep his mind quick

By writing a morning limerick

Wants to do it on Twitter

Gets all of a jitter

The character limit ma(kes him quite sick)


R yes, I do see wot U mn

In Txt Spk my wds nd 2B sn

It goes gainst the grain

N causes much pain

Mks my poetry far less serene ;-)

INSOUCIANT 221015

"Holmes! You know you told me to act insouciant...?"
"Yes, Watson...?"
"Well, that is a particularly HUGE hound, you know...!"

Despite the growing evidence
Humanity remained insouciant
The air it burned the oceans boiled
Yet still they denied the science

"Insouciant" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance for those days when you simply couldn't care less

Blind terror and panic -
Barely hiding behind this
Insouciant air

He pretended to be insouciant about his infertility, but that was only because he couldn't give a toss.

Insouciant -
°carefree; nonchalant; indifferent; casually unconcerned.

CORUSCATE 211015

"Of my friend, Mr Sherlock Holmes..." wrote Dr Watson, "I would have to say that he didn't merely coruscate, he dazzled!"

I wake up and try to make poems
That people won't just hate -
I can string some words together
But I rarely coruscate

"Coruscate" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance for all those bright sparks out there

Their wit it sparkles
And shouldn't be imprisoned -
Free the coruscate...!

Their technique was exhausting... I guess I'll never be a coruscate times a night kind of a guy.

Looking through the window
The raindrops coruscate
Distorting the streetlights
And the distant glow
Of unknowable lives

When I asked the choir to coruscate, they all beamed...

Coruscate -
°To give off light; to reflect in flashes; to sparkle.
°To exhibit brilliant technique or style.

VERY SHORT STORY COMPETITION FAILURE (14)

Another failed entry to the "Flash Fiction" thing. The rules are very simple; The "story" has to be less than 150 words and feature a particular prompt word (which is the one in brackets). This is another one that failed to even make the cut. The paranoiac in me might suspect "cliqueism" so fukkem… here it is despite them:

MORNING (Scramble)

He walks into the room, eyes heavy with the weariness that comes from failing to get enough sleep.

A tear erupts and slowly trickles from his left eye, itching down his face until he brushes it away with a slight movement from a finger on its way to rub some life back into his senses and bludgeon the day into being.

He moves towards the window, his mind reaching out to seek whatever noise it was that woke him. He takes a step, and another, and then he stops again, his forehead furrowing into a deep frown sculpted by the shadows of this half-light.

"There was something… Some reason…" a faraway voice seems to whisper to him.

It's his own voice, and would still seem familiar if his ageing brain hadn't begun to scramble every memory and make him lose track of the person he used to think he was.

AMALGAM 201015

"Really, Watson, I see our partnership as an amalgam of talents. I bring the brains, and you bring... whatever it is you bring"

Sometimes there's musical chemistry 
An amalgam serene -
And if it's containing Mercury...?
Why, it's the rock band "Queen"

"Amalgam" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that will bring you whatever we just made up (if you believe the advertising)

Relationships are
An amalgam of contrasts
Joining together

Mother called it her "Amalgam Surprise" but we all knew it was leftovers...

Amalgam -
°A combination of different things.
°An alloy containing mercury.

MERETRICIOUS 191015

"Walking the streets seems meretricious, Watson..." said Holmes "come, on the game's afoot!" He added, misplacing a comma.

Over-decoration in baking
Makes a cake meretricious -
That it's merely a sponge
I'm really quite suspicious

"Meretricious" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that tells the world exactly what you are

Crawling at kerbsides 
Seeking meretricious "fun" -
Home life just a sham

Aren't we all just meretricious souls who keep our public personas on a peg by the front door...?

Meretricious -
°Of, or relating to prostitutes or prostitution.
°(hence) tastelessly gaudy, making a false show of being attractive.

BELLWETHER 181015

"Inspector Bellwether claims to be a psychic, Watson, but I know he's a fraud" said Holmes "because he's also the murderer..."

Making me a bellwether
Fills me with lots of laughter -
Last time I tried to lead anything
It was like lambs to the slaughter

"Bellwether" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that you'll all be wanting tomorrow

My bellwether friends
Tell me they're my destiny
Then lead me astray

If "hashtag bellwether" ends up trending, just who are the sheep here...?

Bellwether -
°The leading sheep of a flock, having a bell hung round its neck.
°Anything that indicates future trends.

KINDLE 171015

"I'm sure this fellow Kindle is our pyromaniac, Watson, but I can't prove it!" said Holmes.

"Well, if you can't match him..."

My words do not inspire
On no Kindle do they feature -
Even though I'm still a trier
I'm a sad, pathetic creature

"Kindle" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that's like meeting an old flame

Seeking a mentor
Someone to kindle my flames -

I remain matchless

She asked me to kindle the ebbing fire, then seemed surprised when she couldn't find her kitten...

Kindle -
°(obsolete) A collective term for a group of kittens.
°To start (a fire) or light (a torch).
°To arouse or inspire (a passion, etc).

DIPTHONG 161015

"Meet the notorious Professor Diphthong, Watson" said Holmes "responsible for all the illegal vowel movements in London...!"

My knowledge of the diphthong
Is hardly encyclopaedic
But it wouldn't take me long
And might make my wordplay less anaemic

"Diphthong" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that can promise you everything from A to E

From a cat's miaow
Came vowel crunching lessons -
Whither the diphthong?

I saw this fool
Heading to the pool
He wore a diphthong
So tiny it was wrong -
Nicked for smuggling budgie
Ended up in A&E

Diphthong -
°A complex vowel sound that begins with the sound of one vowel and ends with the sound of another vowel, in the same syllable.
°Joined vowels, pronounced as one, such as a and e in æ, or o and e in œ

PERSPICUITY 151015

"I admire your perspicuity, Holmes" I said.
"Well... I admire your transparency, Watson" he replied.

I have much perspicuity
When it comes to making plans
The only thing that confuses me
Is the actions of other humans

"Perspicuity" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that's clearly the best

Perspicuity -
When rain and obstacles go
I can see clearly

#artwiculate That solicitor clearly knew what he was doing when he signed over the rights in perspicuity...

Perspicuity -
°Clarity, lucidity, especially in expression; the state or characteristic of being perspicuous.
°Perspicacity; insight.

ANIMADVERSION 141015

"If I might make a slight animadversion, Dr Mortimer" said Holmes "They were the PAWPRINTS of a gigantic hound...!"

Your constant animadversion
Just messes with my head
And now I've a real aversion
To every thing you ever said

"Animadversion" (from Kelvin Clone) - because choosing the correct fragrance is critical

Choosing to listen

To animadversion is

Always critical

If I had one animadversion about this, it's that I don't like "children's films"

Animadversion -
°A criticism, a critical remark.

DAWN HUNTER

Not an hour ago
I saw the hunter
burning brightly in the heavens,

but now he's put on
his cloud-cloak
and gone into hiding

to stalk the dawn

Such a shame…

It's far too cloudy

around here

at the moment

to watch the planets

dancing

in the pre-dawn sky.

VERY SHORT STORY COMPETITION FAILURE (13)

Another failed entry to the "Flash Fiction" thing. The rules are very simple; The "story" has to be less than 150 words and feature a particular prompt word (which is the one in brackets).

LEFT A BIT (bolt)

Grandmother was getting twitchy.

Sunday afternoons were always difficult, especially when the family came to visit. There were vegetables to prepare, pressure cookers to set, and the ungrateful stare of her grandson to deal with when, once again he decided that he "didn't like" whatever it was she'd prepared.

Still, another "family lunch" had been survived, and, as we all settled down to watch grandma's favourite programme, we noticed that she'd mysteriously vanished without saying a word.

"Hello" said Bob "Who's calling "The Golden Shot"…?"

Grandmother's familiar voice crackled down the line and through the television, and, as the familiar banter was exchanged we looked at each other in dumb amazement before Dad suddenly realised that the TV company had no idea that she couldn't see the television from where the telephone lived in the hallway, as, on the television, Bob ominously intoned…

"Bernie... The bolt…!"

CONVIVAL 131015

"I may be obselete, and might not be convival, Watson, but at least I look at everything with both eyes..." said Holmes, archly

I looked up "convival"
And it did exist, it's true
It might be due a revival
If that's convivial to you.

"Convival" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that shows the world that you are what you eat

Matters convival -
Medieval merriment
A-round a-table

Convival (sic) -
°Of or relating to a feast or entertainment, or to eating and drinking, with accompanying festivity; festive; social; gay; jovial.

ANGRY POETRY

Hulk CRASH! Hulk TRASH! Hulk BASH! Hulk SMASH!!!

TALES OF THE MORNING COMMUTE 131015

O the hilarity!

The temptation in people's lives

To edit the pub's chalkboard

So it reads "Cheeses and Wives"

Bus meets bus on a narrow country road

Trails of angry boxes wave and shout

Not far beyond they meet a lorry

And the horns start blaring out

LILLIPUTIAN 121015

"Mrs Hudson calls this pudding her Lilliputian Surprise, Watson"

"And what is it, Holmes?" 
"Nothing but a trifle..."

My lilliputian skills
And lack of poetic talent
Will neither cure the world of ills
Nor pay one penny of my rent

"Lilliputian" (from Kelvin Clone) - when the bottle's this small, everyone knows what it must have cost you.

Things we think matter
In the cosmic scheme of things
Are lilliputian

General Putian thought he was the biggest guy around, but his wife Lilli told a very different story.

Lilliputian -
°A very small person or being.
°Very small, diminutive.
°Trivial, petty.

FLIGHTPATHS

Many former flightpaths
Crossing the valley skies
Then fading into the morning
As mere memories of journeys past

(New Mills, dawn, October 10th 2015)

RIBALDRY 111015

"Look at the crudeness! The death of this clown was no accident."

"Do you suspect foul play?"
"No, Watson, I suspect ribaldry"

He's not known for his ribaldry
It's wit of which he's fonder
But what surprised us most of all
Was his use of double-entendre

"Ribaldry" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that's just pure filth (if you're lucky)

Turns the air quite blue
With ribaldry whilst he cooks -
But oh! What a sauce!

Some might suggest that telling such jokes at a children's party was a diabolical ribaldry

Ribaldry -
°Joking or humorous language done in a vulgar or lewd fashion.