Another of those Twittergames that I keep on contributing to. These are the ones I've done this year (newest to oldest, and I wonder how many stories anyone will recognise now. I do keep adding to these from time-to-time, so "bear with…" (and feel free to join in using the hashtag if you want to…)
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I told Mam that our country had been found to be best at death. "Pity about the bit before" she replied, cruelly.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I told Mam that our country had been found to be best at death. "Pity about the bit before" she replied, cruelly.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "HOW much for a gold bikini?" asked Ma, taking a sidelong glance at her sparkly tights drying in front of the fire
#NewAlanBennettMonologues When she heard about the snipers it just confirmed to Ma that she'd always been right to be suspicious of lentils.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud was rather surprised to find that Henry had put a lock on the drawer where she kept her shopping bags.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Eric the Newsagent tried to tell me that it was now compulsory to smoke in the car once I'd dropped the kids off.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues My very bald Uncle Frank decided to complain about his haircut because he didn't look like George Clooney after it
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Ooh, can I keep the bag?" asked Mabel, thinking that the shop would give her a shilling for each one she returned.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "A prison with a better view in Jamaica?" cried Ma "I think your Uncle Frank went on holiday there last summer…"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "1p for a carrier bag?" cried Maud firmly dunking a bourbon "They must owe me a fortune for using my own trolley."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I know he said his speech might be a bit boring" Ma said, "but weren't we offered a new kind of politics?"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Didn't that fellow who coughed up for the John Logie Baird recording know he could get it for £5 on DVD at Asda?
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If that Brucie had his way" said Ma "Your smut would never get on the telly at all!" "I know, Ma" I wept "I know"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma, Maud & Ada got whacked out of their skulls last night, and then they got the munchies for cheese.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I thought I heard Ma whistling the new James Bond song but it was just her new teeth. We never talked of it again.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada told Maud she wanted Nigel Farage tattooed on her arm but at the first sign of the prick she changed her mind.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother was reading the obituaries. "I think it's safe to leave out our pic-er-nic baskets again, son" she remarked
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Auntie Vi and Auntie Win looked at each other askance, but we all knew one of them was lying about their emissions
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother opened her Daily Mail "Tssk!" she muttered "I don't know why they're making so much of such a little thing"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada started putting "dislikes" on post-it notes in her front window until it got so dark she couldn't find her pen
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "With all this talk of landslides & earthquakes" said Mam "this political landscape sounds a very dangerous place"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad's old bathroom joke about Ma being on the throne so long he should call her Victoria needed a bit of a rethink
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma wanted to know what a selfie was, so I took one "Oh no!" she said "I don't like that! Can you do someone else?"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada's rule for choosing the next leader was simple; It came down to precisely which biscuit they'd choose to take.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother was getting flustered about the all-night tube until I reassured her that I'd put the cap on the toothpaste
#NewAlanBennettMonologues The man renting out pedalos on the boating lake asked to see my boarding card but I didn't get tuppence off my 99.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"Do I what?" he asked.
"Hunt!" I replied.
It was a mistake to ask him about hunting whilst he drilled my tooth.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues My Uncle Frank's on the run again. His prison brought in a smoking ban, & they insisted he went outside to do it.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I never did understand golf" said mother. "That's Bargain Hunt" I replied "but he does dress very like a golfer…"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Looking through the photos Gran paused "It may look odd now, but we all nailed our friends to trees in those days"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Oddly..." mother announced archly "That Beryl has suddenly stopped talking about learning to juggle in Portland."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues The ladies of the sewing circle didn't think much of my new play, so I attacked a fruit scone with a butter knife.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't like using contactless, I'd rather I just put it in the slot" said Henry.
"Wouldn't we all?" hissed Maud.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "We've nearly got to Pluto!" I cried. "I didn't think you were all that fond of dogs" mother replied sniffily.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I found all sorts of new & unexpected particles on our butcher's pork pies" said I "but it was a small matter..."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Why do these men playing for those ashes have to wear white?" Ada asked "It'll be a bugger to get the marks out!"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "This Mr Osborne may think he has all the answers" mused Maud "but carrying that handbag with those shoes...?"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not sure that I understand this Greece thing" said Mabel "Does it mean John Travolta is no longer president?"
@chapmanj100 "Oh, I do like to see a nicely trimmed Bush" said Mabel enigmatically as she sipped at her Earl Grey #NewAlanBennettMonologues
"...but at least Aunt Ethel's fruit scones had risen properly in the oven, so that was something."#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennettMonologues My doctor said that he would be delighted to see me on a Sunday but it turned out that his caddy had let him down
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I tried to rewrite one of my plays from the point of view of the Cream Cracker, but the results were rather cheesy
#NewAlanBennettMonologues The shouty man driving on my television is going to be replaced by a different shouty man, only this time in red.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues It seems that the odds of me winning this Lotto I don't play remains much the same with the proposed rule changes.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Thora heard all about Manchester becoming a tornado hot spot, but wasn't sure they were ready for such spicy food.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother took her cardie off on Kinder Scout and this caused a spirit-related kerfuffle in Chapel-en-le-Frith.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I couldn't pick this "Sir Bradley Wiggins" out of a line-up. I keep thinking he’s that mill owner in the sitcom.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother was reading the obituaries. "I think it's safe to leave out our pic-er-nic baskets again, son" she remarked
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Auntie Vi and Auntie Win looked at each other askance, but we all knew one of them was lying about their emissions
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother opened her Daily Mail "Tssk!" she muttered "I don't know why they're making so much of such a little thing"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada started putting "dislikes" on post-it notes in her front window until it got so dark she couldn't find her pen
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "With all this talk of landslides & earthquakes" said Mam "this political landscape sounds a very dangerous place"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad's old bathroom joke about Ma being on the throne so long he should call her Victoria needed a bit of a rethink
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma wanted to know what a selfie was, so I took one "Oh no!" she said "I don't like that! Can you do someone else?"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada's rule for choosing the next leader was simple; It came down to precisely which biscuit they'd choose to take.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues The man renting out pedalos on the boating lake asked to see my boarding card but I didn't get tuppence off my 99.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"Do I what?" he asked.
"Hunt!" I replied.
It was a mistake to ask him about hunting whilst he drilled my tooth.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues My Uncle Frank's on the run again. His prison brought in a smoking ban, & they insisted he went outside to do it.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I never did understand golf" said mother. "That's Bargain Hunt" I replied "but he does dress very like a golfer…"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Looking through the photos Gran paused "It may look odd now, but we all nailed our friends to trees in those days"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Oddly..." mother announced archly "That Beryl has suddenly stopped talking about learning to juggle in Portland."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues The ladies of the sewing circle didn't think much of my new play, so I attacked a fruit scone with a butter knife.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't like using contactless, I'd rather I just put it in the slot" said Henry.
"Wouldn't we all?" hissed Maud.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "We've nearly got to Pluto!" I cried. "I didn't think you were all that fond of dogs" mother replied sniffily.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I found all sorts of new & unexpected particles on our butcher's pork pies" said I "but it was a small matter..."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Why do these men playing for those ashes have to wear white?" Ada asked "It'll be a bugger to get the marks out!"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "This Mr Osborne may think he has all the answers" mused Maud "but carrying that handbag with those shoes...?"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not sure that I understand this Greece thing" said Mabel "Does it mean John Travolta is no longer president?"
@chapmanj100 "Oh, I do like to see a nicely trimmed Bush" said Mabel enigmatically as she sipped at her Earl Grey #NewAlanBennettMonologues
"...but at least Aunt Ethel's fruit scones had risen properly in the oven, so that was something."#NewAlanBennettMonologues
#NewAlanBennettMonologues My doctor said that he would be delighted to see me on a Sunday but it turned out that his caddy had let him down
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I tried to rewrite one of my plays from the point of view of the Cream Cracker, but the results were rather cheesy
#NewAlanBennettMonologues The shouty man driving on my television is going to be replaced by a different shouty man, only this time in red.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues It seems that the odds of me winning this Lotto I don't play remains much the same with the proposed rule changes.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Thora heard all about Manchester becoming a tornado hot spot, but wasn't sure they were ready for such spicy food.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother took her cardie off on Kinder Scout and this caused a spirit-related kerfuffle in Chapel-en-le-Frith.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I couldn't pick this "Sir Bradley Wiggins" out of a line-up. I keep thinking he’s that mill owner in the sitcom.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I got an email from a "ravishing hottie" who offered me "sweet love" but I'm happy enough with my barley sugars.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I wasn’t being coarse when I told Doris about the bankers they’re letting go, mother… & no, I don’t need a tissue.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Such a fuss about a Welsh dinosaur. We had one of those in Leeds years ago. He ran a mobile cafe & was called Rex.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I got stuck in a lift with 3 nuns & a football once, but we amused ourselves well enough by playing the shell game
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian got so obsessed with Springwatch that he dismantled his grandfather's entire clock collection.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues ever since it found out that the most talented thing in Britain was a dog, next door's cat has started on a novel.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I saw that Hunger Games on my television last week. It's a little like Eurovision but without the sense of danger.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm not sure I'd be happy about letting Wolves run loose on the streets of Leeds; Unless I was a barber of course.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues If the earth moved in Kent I'm sure it was only due to that Gladys Mabelthorpe dropping a tray of her best scones.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues All this fuss about a cake reminds me of that time when Auntie Jess wouldn't give any rock cakes to those scouts.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I was quite looking forward to getting pulled over by the Moldovan police when I saw their uniforms on Eurovision.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I put on high heels to walk on Thora's red carpet but they ruined her nap & caught in the trousers of my best suit.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Apse" "cult" "funk" "shut" "wink" "ballcocks"- We all breathed a sigh of relief when that game of Scrabble ended.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I told Mam that Chuka Umunna had withdrawn his name from the contest. She just stared back at me incredulously.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I wanted to take Mam out for a Bank Holiday rail outing but she's happy to make do with looking at our back fence.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I see that the PM had that Scottish lady round for tea & a bit of a chat. I do wonder who provided the biscuits.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues It's rather strange that you can stop a fire engine with a lollipop but a load of old humbugs can run a country.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma had little sympathy for Mr Theedge & his plummet; "Just showing off. I'm more worried about who he landed on."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Lucien told me that he wanted to paint me in the nude, so it rather bemused me when he handed me his trousers.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud sat back & paused mid-sip "No, not snarling or thin-skinned" she said momentarily "Just a little bit lizardy"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother isn't convinced that she wants a Northern Powerhouse; Says she still wants to get her Duracells from Asda.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I once tried to smuggle a pair of hot dogs into Lancashire but got found out & was sent home with a flea in my ear
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I do so worry about the Patagonian Toothfish and whether the fluoride in my tube of Colgate causes it any mither.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'd got quite concerned about the swing to the right but now I'm told it's nothing that better underwear can't fix
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm a bit flustered over the Prince's private papers. If they find out what I spend on jam there'll be hell to pay
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I told Auntie Vi that they were thinking of a recount. She paused mid-scone "I don't see why, he already was one"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I knew that they'd not be picking that Kelvin Patterson for the side again. Not after what I saw in Sainsburys..."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't think much of the new cabinet" she muttered, reaching for a custard cream, "it looks to me like veneer..."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues That painting might be worth millions, I said, but I wouldn't give it house-room unless it had a nice scottie dog.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I knew that Farage would be back" he mused "I should have squirted the patio with Weedol when I had the chance."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I saw what was written on that bus" gasped Maud in an obvious state "if that's the price of inflation I'll walk
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"As boys, those brothers never got on" said Mabel.
"Dave & Ed?" I enquired.
"Marks & Spencer" she replied, darkly
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Someone said that the country was full, but there's plenty of room for manoeuvre when I head out to the cake shop.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother took the PM's visit to the Queen rather well, considering. "I hope he washed his hands" was all she said.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I tried writing a Dr Who once but my style didn't gel; "A stale macaroon isn't a big enough threat". We disagreed
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I told mother there was going to be an election, but when I said she'd have to put an X in a box, she threw me out.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm told down under is the best place to go for crickets, but all I found in our cellar was wood lice and mould.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Thora & I had an altercation over a bag of cheese & onion crisps, so I took a swing, but she preferred the slide.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues They tell me it's happiness day. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's not as if there's a day dedicated to ennui, is it?
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother wanted to watch the moon disappear, so I asked the trouserless youth next door to stop sitting on our wall.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues A nice man telephoned to tell me that my computer was misbehaving. I thanked him, and returned to my knitting.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues A lady rang to tell me about my pee pee eye. I told her that it was much better since I'd been using the ointment
#NewAlanBennettMonologues She told me she worried about drones, so I took the batteries out of her deaf-aid and we heard no more about it.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian told me that he wanted to be a "super hero", but there was nothing super about the way those tights chafed.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I was going to make a pinhole camera to watch the eclipse, but it seems a lot of bother & my tea all leaked out.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mabel bought me one of those fancy new smartphones. It didn't seem all that smart to me, so I use it as a coaster.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I went to the newspaper shop & tried to buy Mentos, but we disagreed about the pronunciation & I left disappointed.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Such a fuss about a Welsh dinosaur. We had one of those in Leeds years ago. He ran a mobile cafe & was called Rex.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian got so obsessed with Springwatch that he dismantled his grandfather's entire clock collection.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues ever since it found out that the most talented thing in Britain was a dog, next door's cat has started on a novel.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I saw that Hunger Games on my television last week. It's a little like Eurovision but without the sense of danger.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm not sure I'd be happy about letting Wolves run loose on the streets of Leeds; Unless I was a barber of course.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues All this fuss about a cake reminds me of that time when Auntie Jess wouldn't give any rock cakes to those scouts.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I was quite looking forward to getting pulled over by the Moldovan police when I saw their uniforms on Eurovision.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I put on high heels to walk on Thora's red carpet but they ruined her nap & caught in the trousers of my best suit.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Apse" "cult" "funk" "shut" "wink" "ballcocks"- We all breathed a sigh of relief when that game of Scrabble ended.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I told Mam that Chuka Umunna had withdrawn his name from the contest. She just stared back at me incredulously.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I wanted to take Mam out for a Bank Holiday rail outing but she's happy to make do with looking at our back fence.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I see that the PM had that Scottish lady round for tea & a bit of a chat. I do wonder who provided the biscuits.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues It's rather strange that you can stop a fire engine with a lollipop but a load of old humbugs can run a country.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma had little sympathy for Mr Theedge & his plummet; "Just showing off. I'm more worried about who he landed on."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Lucien told me that he wanted to paint me in the nude, so it rather bemused me when he handed me his trousers.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud sat back & paused mid-sip "No, not snarling or thin-skinned" she said momentarily "Just a little bit lizardy"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother isn't convinced that she wants a Northern Powerhouse; Says she still wants to get her Duracells from Asda.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I once tried to smuggle a pair of hot dogs into Lancashire but got found out & was sent home with a flea in my ear
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'd got quite concerned about the swing to the right but now I'm told it's nothing that better underwear can't fix
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm a bit flustered over the Prince's private papers. If they find out what I spend on jam there'll be hell to pay
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I told Auntie Vi that they were thinking of a recount. She paused mid-scone "I don't see why, he already was one"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I knew that they'd not be picking that Kelvin Patterson for the side again. Not after what I saw in Sainsburys..."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't think much of the new cabinet" she muttered, reaching for a custard cream, "it looks to me like veneer..."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues That painting might be worth millions, I said, but I wouldn't give it house-room unless it had a nice scottie dog.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I knew that Farage would be back" he mused "I should have squirted the patio with Weedol when I had the chance."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I saw what was written on that bus" gasped Maud in an obvious state "if that's the price of inflation I'll walk
#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"As boys, those brothers never got on" said Mabel.
"Dave & Ed?" I enquired.
"Marks & Spencer" she replied, darkly
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Someone said that the country was full, but there's plenty of room for manoeuvre when I head out to the cake shop.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I told her that a reshuffle didn't mean that the PM had lost mam's pension in Monte Carlo but she wouldn't have it I told her that a reshuffle didn't mean that the PM had lost mam's pension in Monte Carlo but she wouldn't have it
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mam fretted about the lack of government. "There'll be anchovies in the UK" she wept "and what about my lumbago?"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mildred started fretting about the lack of government. "There'll be anchovies in the UK" she wept "and the salt plays havoc with my lumbago.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mam fretted about the lack of government. "There'll be anchovies in the UK" she wept "and what about my lumbago?"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mildred started fretting about the lack of government. "There'll be anchovies in the UK" she wept "and the salt plays havoc with my lumbago.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I tried writing a Dr Who once but my style didn't gel; "A stale macaroon isn't a big enough threat". We disagreed
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I told mother there was going to be an election, but when I said she'd have to put an X in a box, she threw me out.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm told down under is the best place to go for crickets, but all I found in our cellar was wood lice and mould.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Thora & I had an altercation over a bag of cheese & onion crisps, so I took a swing, but she preferred the slide.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues They tell me it's happiness day. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's not as if there's a day dedicated to ennui, is it?
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother wanted to watch the moon disappear, so I asked the trouserless youth next door to stop sitting on our wall.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues A nice man telephoned to tell me that my computer was misbehaving. I thanked him, and returned to my knitting.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues A lady rang to tell me about my pee pee eye. I told her that it was much better since I'd been using the ointment
#NewAlanBennettMonologues She told me she worried about drones, so I took the batteries out of her deaf-aid and we heard no more about it.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian told me that he wanted to be a "super hero", but there was nothing super about the way those tights chafed.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I was going to make a pinhole camera to watch the eclipse, but it seems a lot of bother & my tea all leaked out.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mabel bought me one of those fancy new smartphones. It didn't seem all that smart to me, so I use it as a coaster.
#NewAlanBennettMonologues I went to the newspaper shop & tried to buy Mentos, but we disagreed about the pronunciation & I left disappointed.
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