OLD HABITS

Habits are funny old things and very hard to break. Take, for example, my decision to take a month off from this wild and wacky world of writing my nonsenses each morning. Well, you’ll no doubt be less surprised than I was to find that I haven’t stopped at all. In fact I’ve published something every single day since, just “not for public consumption” as it were, in a place I’m calling the “Alternative”.

This, I feel, is part of the process of healing. There’s stuff that I need to get out of my system, but all the issues that were bothering me over those last few weeks are still there, and all of the things mentioned in that fateful so-called “Last Post” remain as true as they did then, so the best thing to do is to “let rip” in a place where nobody else is likely to get hurt or bothered by my excesses.

So, what have you been “missing” in the sense of “not really missing at all” then…?

((Oh yes, bloody typical! Tell us about the stuff you’re writing but don’t let us actually read it… How very…))

Well, day one was about my “media disease” and included the words “beauty”, “private” and “consumption” and is really so very ranty that I don’t think anyone else would want to read it, not until I’ve managed to cogitate and reshape those thoughts into a more palatable form…

Day two was about it being “Halfway to Christmas” and even makes me weep now when I look at it, being all about depression and my own smug sense of self-satisfaction about something and uses the expression “double-dipping” for no very good reason.

Day three was just “Henry Brie” in its original form before I plonked it over into “Light Under a Bushel” so nothing new to see there, and was followed by three more days spent wittering on and mulling over and cogitating upon the general sense of change that has come over my world due to events beyond and within my own control, and really, really, there’s nothing in there that I would have felt comfortable in sharing with anyone else.

It even makes me shudder when I read back the pretentious drivvle that was mashing through my mind in those long dark days, as the rain lashed down and I gave thought to fledging birds and cricket (which at least proved that I was thinking about something else at last) before returning to the tired old themes that had been haunting me these past few weeks about my own insignificant role in the great scheme of things.

Sigh… The monotony of it all was even getting to me by now. Believe me when I say that you really weren’t missing much and were better off out of it…

After that I spent some time analysing in minute detail a particular problem that I had with one individual who may very well have only ever been an imaginary construct, but that was a mental battle best fought alone, and then I spent another few mornings assessing some very personal family matters that you really don’t want to see, and that was so very tiresome that I did it again three days later.

Meanwhile, I decided to immortalise some stupid comments I made about the theatre over in FizzBokWorld that wouldn’t be new to anyone who’d already seen them, but I somehow were felt worthy of keeping for my own pointless sense of self-immolation.

The day after that was spent on a bit of a rant about “3-D Cinema” which actually wasn’t all that bad. Boring… but not “bad” and which at least proved to me that I could move beyond the four walls of my own self-absorption and scribble the sort of nonsense that I used to do, even if it was deathly dull. But perhaps it meant that I had turned a corner and was ready to re-engage with this bizarre world of boot-kicking my opinions out into the wider world and seeing where they landed and what ripples they caused.

The fact that it remains “hidden” does, I suppose, rather imply that I’m not quite ready or confident to do so quite yet, but we’ll see. The words are, after all, flowing relatively freely, it’s just that they’re not yet words that are fit to be seen in polite company and need to be sent back to there room and told to dress properly.

So, what does all this “stopping” in the sense of  “not stopping at all” really prove, if anything?

“F***ed if I know, matey…”

But there you are. Wasn’t that always the way of these things? Perhaps it was always just words for words sake, and perhaps I keep on putting down those words, even in the privacy of my own little world, because I know that if I do get out of the habit I will stop forever, and I’m really not sure that I’m quite ready to do that yet, either.

So, if you think you’re missing something by the lack of daily updates from this “Dark Corner of Lesser Blogfordshire” you’ll just have to accept it when I tell you that you’re really not missing all that much…

Not at the moment anyway, but the machinery is, at least, in motion, and I’m just hoping that the virtual WD40 will do the trick and release the seized mechanism from the rusty grip that held it.

Still, I must be missing something. After all, I did think that it might be nice to just drop by today and say hello… which must be a positive step.

So, er… “Hello…” and, of course, “Goodbye again…”