TMS HAIKU 021219

TEST MATCH SPECIAL HAIKU

The insomniac 

Staggers sleepily downstairs 

The night darkest black

Rescued by cricket

Magically described from

Half a world away

TMS brings me

A nighttime slice of warm from

Another summer

Comforting voices

Effortlessly describing

The last hour of play

MAWH, early 021219

FREEDOMS HAIKU

FREEDOMS HAIKU

Do you remember

Those bad old days of freedom

Without I.D. cards

When you disagreed

You had the right to protest

About anything

In these insane times

To sell such freedoms cheaply

Is the true madness

MAWH, 161019

TORY POWER STANCE HAIKU

TORY POWER STANCE HAIKU

When we try walking
The Tory power stance walk
Can't get through a door...

When we tried walking
The Tory power stance walk
It knackered our knees...

Once we'd tried walking
The Tory power stance walk
Our ankles crumbled

MAWH, May 2018

STEVEN BOCHCO RIP

STEVEN BOCHCO RIP

‪Hill Renko Joyce Frank‬
‪Lightning caught in a bottle‬
‪Steven Bochco Blues‬

‪Grace under pressure‬
‪Joe Coffey lies on the floor‬
‪Steven Bochco Blues‬

‪Norman Buntz returns‬
‪Simone replaces Kelly‬
‪Steven Bochco Blues‬

‪Rosalind Shays falls‬
‪Sipowicz's redemption‬
‪Steven Bochco Blues‬

‪#haiku‬

MAWH, 020418

NZ V ENG 220318

NZ V ENG 220318

Wakes up and checks score‬
‪I thought it was a Test Match‬
‪Not Twenty Twenty‬

Fifty-eight all out
In the twenty-first over
England's first innings

‪Root, Stokes and Bairstow ‬
‪Moeen Ali and then Broad‬
‪All get out for ducks‬

‪Boult Boult Boult Southee‬
‪Boult Southee (Ooh!) Boult Southee‬
‪Southee and then Boult‬

‪Then New Zealand bat‬
‪Passing England's poor total‬
‪In no time at all‬

‪Four hundred wickets ‬
‪For young Stuart Broad at last -‬
‪Latham caught by Woakes‬

NZ end the day
One hundred and seventeen
Runs ahead for three

Kane Williamson
Captain leading from the front
Ninety one not out

MAWH, 220319
‪



‪

DEBILITY (HAIKU)

‪DEBILITY

Prove ability ‬
‪Despite your debility -‬
‪It's rarely enough‬

‪Show mobility ‬
‪Despite your debility -‬
‪They'll cut your income‬

‪Have agility ‬
‪Despite your debility -‬
‪It's misunderstood‬

‪Show fragility ‬
‪Despite your debility -‬
‪They're happy with that‬

MAWH, March 21st 2018

WORLD FROG DAY (HAIKU)

WORLD FROG DAY (HAIKU)

Remember Frog Day
Is not like Pancake Tuesday
Where you eat pancakes

Upon World Frog Day
It is good to remind you
Not to eat the frogs

UNSEEN TOWBAR

UNSEEN TOWBAR

There's an awful pain
Such a pain the like of which
We will never talk

The pain of a shin
Hitting an unseen towbar
In the morning dark

MAWH, 131217

TELLY HAIKU

More "trendy" telly
All these shouty domestics
That I've never seen

Something else they say
"Everyone's talking about"
I know nothing of

Like that "Breaking Bad"
And those "Boobies and Dragons"
Meant for someone else

SCUTTLE 040216

"Looks like the villain scuttled the scuttle whilst we were scuttling through the scuttle, Watson" said Holmes, helpfully.

The Admiral had a cunning plan
It wasn't all that subtle -
Three times around the Isle of Man
Then order the fleet to scuttle

"Scuttle" (from Kelvin Clone) - the exclusive fragrance that we're selling by the bucketload

The solicitors
Scuttle, Scuttle and Scuttle
Filled up, ran... and sank

...and, before his memory sinks without trace, let us remember Benny Hill, and his much-loved character, Fred Scuttle.

Scuttle -
°A container like an open bucket (usually to hold and carry coal).
°(Construction) a hatch that provides access to the roof from the interior of a building.
°To deliberately sink a ship or boat by order of the commander, rather than by enemy action.
°To move hastily, to scurry.

FRIABLE 311215

"This biscuit is far too friable to be useful as evidence, Watson" said Holmes "but that's just the way the cookie crumbles..."

His lack of word-wrangling success
Has left him truly friable -
So I think future entries are at best
Unlikely to be viable

"Friable" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance to put on when you're completely shattered

A friable soul -
Delicate in confidence -
Easily broken

Once you've successfully scrambled eggs, they are still very much friable

Friable -
°Easily broken into small fragments, crumbled, or reduced to powder.
°(of soil) Loose and large-grained in consistency.

IMMOLATE 301215

"I decided to immolate the incriminating document, Watson" said Holmes "it both solved the problem & made the room more toasty"

Whilst I'm not one to berate
Her tendency to immolate -
My mother did manage to cremate
Every single thing that we ate

"Immolate" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance for all your burning desires

Corporate memo -
Immolate all paperwork -
Burn the evidence

The designer of the Immolate Garden Pest Control Device eventually got fired for cruelty to animals.

Immolate -
°to kill as a sacrifice.
°to destroy, especially by fire.

MUSTACHIOED 291215

"The culprit's almost certainly mustachioed, Watson" said Holmes "though I'm not yet certain about the shape of the handlebars"

He used to be mustachioed
A hairy-lipped young knave -
It vanished when some cash he owed
His disguise following a close shave

Alternatively:

He used to be mustachioed
A hairy-lipped young knave -
It vanished when much cash he owed
His disguise following a close shave

"Mustachioed" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that grows on you

Growing up couldn't
Wait to be mustachioed
To hide his hair lip

A mustachioed man approached me... He wasn't nuts but he was completely pistachioed...

Mustachioed -
°Alternative spelling of moustachio’d.

IMPUGN 281215

"The fellow tried to impugn my conclusion, Watson" said Holmes "until I was actually able to produce the very cormorant...!"

My poetic skill and wit
It's unfair to impugn -
But I'm prepared to admit
I can't sing them in tune

"Impugn" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that is an attack on the senses (in so many ways)

Simple to impugn
Any arguments I make -
Reasonable doubts

Arguably, the sound of a gremlin fired from a cannon ricocheting - impugn

Impugn -
°(obsolete) To assault, attack.
°To verbally assault, especially to argue against an opinion, motive, or action; to question the truth or validity of.

THAUMATURGY 271215

"That oaf Lestrade thanked me for my usual thaumaturgy, Watson" said Holmes "then vanished with the villain in a puff of smoke"

Early morning thaumaturgy
Word-wrangling hocus-pocus
Only tends to work out magically
If I really take my time and focus

"Thaumaturgy" (from Kelvin Clone) - the magic about this fragrance is that people actually believe our nonsense

Life's miracle was
My simple thaumaturgy
Put a spell on you

The magic of Christmas: After forgetting to take it out of the freezer on Christmas eve, the microwave could still thaumaturgy.

Thaumaturgy -
°The working of miracles.
°Magic; witchcraft, wizardry.

PANURGIC 261215

"I'm a specialist, Watson" said Holmes "So that sort of fellow tends to give me a panurgic reaction..."

I'll turn my hand to anything
I'm panurgic you might say
Fix the roof, make your pipes sing
I'll do the lot if you want to pay

"Panurgic" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance suitable for every possible situation even if it is ghastly

There is not a thing
The panurgic person fears
Except not trying

JUNKET 251215

"We shall eat at the Mr Collins' house tonight, Watson" said Holmes "no junket required..."

Got given a tiny biscuit
And nothing in which to dunk it
I shouldn't say but I'll risk it
Do you call this a junket?

"Junket" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that's a feast for the nose

Don't want to junket?
Avoiding the scrap heap by
Not getting legless

Junket -
(n) : feast, banquet; picnic

BRUSQUE 241215

"Holmes, I fear that you may have a reputation for being a little brusque" I ventured. "Oh, **** off, Watson!" Holmes replied.

Old Ebenezer was a miser

Who could be a little brusque

Ghosts made him a little wiser

Once the day had turned to dusk

"Brusque" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that always comes across a little short despite the big bottle and price tag.

This haiku for "brusque"
Is considerably rude

But short and snappy

My experience of social events: Get the brusque in, get the brusque off...

Brusque -
(adj) : rudely abrupt, unfriendly

CAITIFF 231215

"I rather like Mr Caitiff, Watson" said Holmes "At least he has the courage of his convictions..."

I was her little caitiff

The captive of her heart

I couldn't even leave her if

You gave me a ten mile head start

"Caitiff" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that you'll want to keep under lock and key

Unhappy marriage

Indi-caitiff called themselves

Prisoners of war

Mister Caitiff was never the greatest plumber... He always used old lagging.

Caitiff -
°(obsolete) a captive or prisoner.
°(archaic) a villain, a coward or wretch.

UNDULATION 221215

"I don't think of these incidents as a crime wave as such, Watson" said Holmes "as more of an undulation..."

It wasn't just too much booze
Making me sick for the whole cruise
Because the ocean's undulation
Went on for the whole duration

"Undulation" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that washes over you in waves

Life's undulation -
Inexperienced young men -
Green around the girls

The signal came in, a gentle undulation on the screen: "It's a sine! It's a sine!" he shouted excitedly.

Undulation -

°an instance or act of undulating.
°a wavy appearance or outline; waviness.