HAIR TODAY

One of the things about getting to my great age, and having a FizzBok account, (however under-used and under-friended it may be), is that, because they know just how old I am, and when my birthday is, or was, occasionally "targeted" adverts like this one appear from time to time, just to make me feel really special… or to remind me that time's crucible has be in its hot, shiny bowl…

It really must be my age, I suppose…

After all, how many gentlemen of a certain age can actually claim not to have at least a thinning, if not totally non-existent thatch upon their noggin, or at least be troubled by the vaguest possibility of the "chimp's arse" effect that can be going on up there without us even being aware of it.

Luckily for me, of course, despite all of the increasing salt amongst the pepper, that particular effect hasn't yet come into play, and neither has the also much-feared Charlton combover, even though my forehead does seem to get more expansive every time I look.

I fear that the full-on "potato head" may be just a few scant years away…

There are several problems that I have with this particular advert however, and not only because it seemed to have been directed at me as if they were trying to tell me something.

The first problem is that, with his orange top and his "shaven-headed" look, he looks to me just like a Guantanamo detainee which, in marketing terms at least, I don't imagine is much of a selling point unless you do happen to have some ambitions towards that particular sort of lifestyle choice.

Secondly, (and I admit that this could just be my eyesight, or the way that I happen to have first looked at the pictures), I get the distinct impression that, rather than giving the gentleman in question a full head of hair, they've just tattooed little dots onto his scalp to simulate hair growth and, indeed, give the "look" that their might still be follicle heads up there in the dust bowl…

Now, I'm not the world's biggest fan of tattoos anyway, but the thought of someone sticking needles into my scalp, and of having to live with the consequences until, hopefully, a ripe old age, whilst still resembling what my Dad might have termed a "Bovver Boy" back in the day, really isn't going to persuade me, either.

Or, I start to think to myself, maybe it's some kind of plastic film. A "skull cap" that you put on like those hats that Ming the Merciless used to wear back in the old "Flash Gordon" serials, only printed with lots of little dots instead of the whole "Evil Emperor" full on jet black effect.

With my ability to sweat, itch and generally crumple anything I wear, I fear that wouldn't make for a good look, either.

Finally, and perhaps most disturbingly of all, the person in the photograph also just happens to resemble someone I used to work with which is freaking me out in several ways, not least because he's either not aged a day in a decade, or he's moved over into the blunt end of male modelling in a manner that meeting the real person might never have suggested to anyone, I imagine.

Look, I know that the appearance of youth is just about everything to everybody nowadays, but honestly, do try to have a little more dignity, my friends, before the madness overwhelms you.

Or just wear a hat…