A SOAP STORY

(OR “THE HISTORY OF ME IN RATHER TOO MANY TATTY OBJECTS”)

In some of the darker corners that make up this tatty little outpost in our tiny patch of Lesser Blogfordshire, hidden amongst all the clutter, are small boxes containing magical items from another age.

Someone did once tell me that all the best people kept their cassette tapes in old shoe boxes and I think I rather took it to heart, filling them up with all manner of junk and neatly stacking them on the many shelves that I have had to construct just for that purpose. Work creates work, I guess.

Which came first, the boxes or the shelves?

Every so often I shall rummage around underneath all the detritus that has seismically shifted around the whirlwind of our lives and dig out one of these boxes, usually in the pursuit of some other object that has sprung to mind or become suddenly vital for our continued existence. This is when I am usually diverted by the contents of one of those little boxes and I find myself exploring my own far distant past.

I think I must have been a very odd child.

When I got given gifts I liked to look after them, keep them, and know that the “new thing” I had just been given was liable to remain new for as long as possible. It’s just likely that this is an early manifestation of my desire for things not to change which has led to so many perplexities in my later life. Nevertheless, this does mean that the little boxes contain some items that are incredibly well preserved considering the ephemeral nature of their existence.

Which is why I am able to share with you today an object that by all rights should have been consigned to oblivion more than thirty years ago, my “Muppet Show” Kermit the Frog soap, still preserved in all its green gloriousness and still in it’s outrageously celebratory orange box.

Magnificent!

I wonder how many of these still exist in the world?

Of course it’s never been used. It was much too much admired for that, so it sat on a shelf in my bedroom for a few years, before being transferred to the back of a cupboard and then, inevitably, to one of the shoeboxes.

Or perhaps I have always just been a “soap dodger”.

I believe that this soap was a Christmas present from 1977 or thereabouts. Ah! Simpler times… Simpler gifts. Not a battery in sight… I don’t remember now who it was from, but it was almost certainly a family gift as no one else was buying me anything back in those days.

I don’t truly remember being a huge fan of the show itself, but some of the characters went on to be iconic. Zoot the Saxophonist and Animal the Drummer were favourites amongst my student crowd, although I suspect I grew up to emulate Statler and Waldorf a little more. Miss Piggy had a lot in common with a very fondly remembered friend of mine who would have focussed on and been terribly offended by the swinish connotations without spotting that it was meant in a very complimentary way.

I had enjoyed watching Sesame Street episodes on ITV during the summer holidays when I was probably much, much older than their target demographic, and I particularly enjoyed Kermit as a news reporter and the strange “Odd Couple” existence of Bert and Ernie (names I later happily discovered to be plucked from the character listings of “It’s a Wonderful Life”).

Some of the songs I can still remember. “One of these things is not like the others”; “Lowercase ‘m’”; “One-two-three-four-five… six-seven-eight-nine-ten… eleven, twelve”. Sometimes, as a student the rather funky rhythms of a tune like “Some… Some of us are here! None… None of us are Here! All… All of us are here! etc.” might distract me for days, and I still might even bellow “Seven strawberry cheesecakes!!!” at inappropriate moments every once in a while.

One of the happier side effects of being exposed to the Muppet Show was how ingrained the theme was in my mind, so much so that it used to come in very handy to be lyrically perfect in spontaneous pub singalongs in later years.

Perhaps I DID once know how to enjoy myself…

So, one more time (and hoping that no-one objects):

It’s time to play the music

It’s time to light the lights

It’s time to meet the Muppets

On the Muppet Show tonight!

It’s time to put on make up,

It’s time to dress up right.

It’s time to raise the curtain

On the Muppet Show tonight!

To introduce our guest star

Is what I’m here to do.

It really makes me happy

To introduce to you…

(Insert – with suitable enthusiasm - name of appropriate drinking companion here)

It’s time to get things started

(Why don’t you get things started?)

It’s time to get things started on the

Most sensational, inspirational, celebrational Muppetational

This is what we call the Muppet Show!!!!!*

Collapses from chair into a drunken heap.


*NB "The Muppet Show" Lyrics are the property of the various respective authors, artists and record labels and no copyright infringement is intended.