Mostly, of course, it's just the way I'm made. I've always struggled to enjoy the successes and happinesses of others because they usually only serve to bring my own failures and unhappinesses into sharper focus.
"Why" my mind screams like an over-hormonal teenager, "Are they able to find some joy in this veil of tears when I so obviously can't??? S'NOT FAIR!!!"
As a philosophy of life, this does not a popular person make.
And, because that unpopularity seems to increase exponentially in direct relation to the amount it is needed, so the problem multiplies. Disinterest begets disinterest and your disinterest in my disinterest makes my self-loathing and self-doubt escalate and so on and so on.
Yep. Getting mathematical on their asses is always the popular choice…
Does irony work on the written page…? Discuss…
Does italicised emphasis help to stress the point…?
Or is it always better to be bold…?
Oh yes, give 'em typographical pointers that everyone already knows… That'll reel 'em in good and proper...
Or is it always better to be bold…?
Oh yes, give 'em typographical pointers that everyone already knows… That'll reel 'em in good and proper...
Nevertheless, because of all the blathering on about parties, and family life, and what people "reckon", and the anger, and the hostility, and the gushing, and the squee-ing, and all of the other nonsense that they (whoever "they" are…) have been up to in their obviously far more fascinating and interactive lives than mine, most of the few who do take a moment to intertwine their lives with mine in FizzBokWorld do not actually appear in my TimeLine any more due to my rather brutal "zero tolerance" approach to such things.
I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.
Most of the time I just found that the majority of the idle chatter, or the more unguarded, or sick-makingly sycophantic comments were making me feel far, far too annoyed for far too much of the time, and I would brood upon them at length, and then get so angry that it really wasn't doing me any good. Far better, I felt, to keep a "Top Ten" of people who seldom write anything trite and let life tick along like that with the occasional comment popping up to annoy me, or the occasional random click to check whether someone's still alive.
Because, despite everything, I do still care about that, at least...
For Pete's sake, you are, after all, dealing (or - more probably - not dealing) with somebody loosely resembling a person here who can get annoyed because real professionals are getting adulation for doing more of the same thing that they're already well-known for doing. Let's face it, I can pretty much get annoyed about anything at all, but the success and happiness and achievements of others really are right up there at the top of the list.
I know, and I'm sorry. They shouldn't be, but that's the way I'm made. I don't actually like it much either if it's any consolation, but I'm quite sure it isn't. I know that it all makes me terribly shallow and unlikeable, but I feel like this because I can't help but feel a certain amount of rage because life sometimes seems so wretchedly unfair.
Sometimes I do try to change, to become a better person, but then life comes along and takes a long hard kick at my teeth and I scurry away back under my isolated little rock and sit and fester Gollum-like until the next time I decide to try...
That said, the great and the good couldn't give a tinker's cuss what I think about them anyway, so sod 'em…
My baleful brooding harms no-one but myself, and makes little difference in the great scheme of things and, whilst I must accept that that might actually be part of the problem, the exponential nature of it means that a solution might prove unlikely, if not impossible.
One glimmer of hope…?
One moment of happiness…?
Nope… It's obviously far too much to ask for…
Anyway, when you don't really do "fun", such things are never likely to happen in a "fun-packed" world where fun, God help us, remains the only currency worth having. Anyway, when you become so very good at doing "Bitter and Twisted" that you decide that it might be worth a bullet point on your C.V., sometimes you're better off just knowing what it is you're good at and sticking with it.
After all, if you're never going to understand other people's idea of fun, it's unlikely that they're going to understand yours, either. Best to just shut up and let them get on with it in an environment where they can't annoy you too much.
You see, some of the dazzling and sparkling wit that I churn out so regularly is obviously far too good for the majority of my not-readers, although you'll have already cottoned on to the heavily disguised satire (??? - does anybody get my sense of so-called "humour" anyway…?) that you're reading here because, if you've got this far, you're quite evidently a cut above the rest of the general riff-raff who cruise t'interweb looking for sources of pseudo-intellectual stimuli...
Because, despite everything, I do still care about that, at least...
For Pete's sake, you are, after all, dealing (or - more probably - not dealing) with somebody loosely resembling a person here who can get annoyed because real professionals are getting adulation for doing more of the same thing that they're already well-known for doing. Let's face it, I can pretty much get annoyed about anything at all, but the success and happiness and achievements of others really are right up there at the top of the list.
I know, and I'm sorry. They shouldn't be, but that's the way I'm made. I don't actually like it much either if it's any consolation, but I'm quite sure it isn't. I know that it all makes me terribly shallow and unlikeable, but I feel like this because I can't help but feel a certain amount of rage because life sometimes seems so wretchedly unfair.
Sometimes I do try to change, to become a better person, but then life comes along and takes a long hard kick at my teeth and I scurry away back under my isolated little rock and sit and fester Gollum-like until the next time I decide to try...
That said, the great and the good couldn't give a tinker's cuss what I think about them anyway, so sod 'em…
My baleful brooding harms no-one but myself, and makes little difference in the great scheme of things and, whilst I must accept that that might actually be part of the problem, the exponential nature of it means that a solution might prove unlikely, if not impossible.
One glimmer of hope…?
One moment of happiness…?
Nope… It's obviously far too much to ask for…
Anyway, when you don't really do "fun", such things are never likely to happen in a "fun-packed" world where fun, God help us, remains the only currency worth having. Anyway, when you become so very good at doing "Bitter and Twisted" that you decide that it might be worth a bullet point on your C.V., sometimes you're better off just knowing what it is you're good at and sticking with it.
After all, if you're never going to understand other people's idea of fun, it's unlikely that they're going to understand yours, either. Best to just shut up and let them get on with it in an environment where they can't annoy you too much.
You see, some of the dazzling and sparkling wit that I churn out so regularly is obviously far too good for the majority of my not-readers, although you'll have already cottoned on to the heavily disguised satire (??? - does anybody get my sense of so-called "humour" anyway…?) that you're reading here because, if you've got this far, you're quite evidently a cut above the rest of the general riff-raff who cruise t'interweb looking for sources of pseudo-intellectual stimuli...
Sometimes I find it very difficult too feign interest in the lives of others. Oh, I do try, of course, but, the problem is, for the majority of the time, I really just don't care about it all that much. Not about those lot, anyway, if you want to insert whatever definition of "those lot" you wish to use here. But then I don't really understand anyone's constant need for affirmation, or this strange desire to share your opinion with people just because they happen to have one which they think you ought to know about…
After all, in the majority of cases, few people go away and mull over what you've shared with them and return with a contrite "You know, I think you were right and I was wrong…" Far easier to take offence and rage away from behind the anonymous safety of your keyboard and rail against harmless folk who you'll probably never meet, or use distance to rail against those you just might...
After all, in the majority of cases, few people go away and mull over what you've shared with them and return with a contrite "You know, I think you were right and I was wrong…" Far easier to take offence and rage away from behind the anonymous safety of your keyboard and rail against harmless folk who you'll probably never meet, or use distance to rail against those you just might...
Of course I am an utter hypocrite.
I do get stupidly upset when my online life grinds to a halt or when one of my own pithy pointlessnesses gets ignored by the world in general and my little piece of it in particular...
And, of course, when it all comes down to it, I do (sort of) care about a great deal of it, it just has to be on my terms, that's all… To be honest, I believe that's pretty true for everybody, I just happen to be honest enough (or stupid enough) to admit it, that's all.
But then... But then…
Well, we really do have to address the small matter of BlogWorld, don't we, boys and girls…? After all, the mere fact that I'm here opinionising away is rather in opposition to just about everything I've already written today…
Why the chuffing heck should you lot give a rat's kidney what I happen to reckon about anything either? Well, setting aside the fact that a lot of you blatantly don't, I could argue that it's because it's all sheer genius, even though it obviously isn't…
I'll perhaps try and persuade myself that it's unrecognised genius instead which still doesn't make me feel any better because of the basic untruth at the very heart of it.
Because basically, you see (and I know that you all got here way ahead of me on this point…), I'm just someone who wants everyone to love me but doesn't really know how to be loved, and the dichotomy of that state of being manifests itself as the kind of mutual disinterest which means that rational, sane, normal and intelligent people are unlikely to even attempt to get to the end of a convoluted sentence or argument like this one has turned out to be.
And I can hardly blame you for that.
Although I'm sure that I will…
Why the chuffing heck should you lot give a rat's kidney what I happen to reckon about anything either? Well, setting aside the fact that a lot of you blatantly don't, I could argue that it's because it's all sheer genius, even though it obviously isn't…
I'll perhaps try and persuade myself that it's unrecognised genius instead which still doesn't make me feel any better because of the basic untruth at the very heart of it.
Because basically, you see (and I know that you all got here way ahead of me on this point…), I'm just someone who wants everyone to love me but doesn't really know how to be loved, and the dichotomy of that state of being manifests itself as the kind of mutual disinterest which means that rational, sane, normal and intelligent people are unlikely to even attempt to get to the end of a convoluted sentence or argument like this one has turned out to be.
And I can hardly blame you for that.
Although I'm sure that I will…
Well, it was certainly a bit ranty.
ReplyDeleteDunno... All seemed quite reasonable to me... ;-)
DeleteWell err yes. Better now?
ReplyDeleteIts good to let the festering little Genii out of the bottle now and again.
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't like it when I take the cork out, and will sulk everso until I replace it...
Delete