SPORTING QUESTIONS

My lack of interest in sport does tend to bring up a lot more questions that it answers, not least because, in a lot of cases, I really don’t have a clue who most of the people being talked about are, and what it is that they are supposed to have done to earn the respect, awe and high esteem with which many people seem to regard them.

“Do you regard me with dread…?”

“No… With astonishment…!”

Such matters can lead to all manner of awkward situations when I fail to recognise those faces who seem so familiar to almost everyone else and my own ignorance of such matters is exposed for what it is.

Obviously, if I wanted to, I could research all of this and find out more, but I really am no interested enough and, to be perfectly frank, would generally prefer not to “know who THAT is” when they’re right in front of me and getting “in my way…”

Of course, the whole world of sport is constantly and perhaps inadvertently conjuring up a whole wealth of profound and strangely fascinating questions which probably ought to be answered if we felt the need to.

Questions like “Is Manchester United…?”

“Is Oldham Athletic…?”

“Are there many Wolverhampton Wanderers…?”

“Is that Professor across the room a Hamilton Academical…?”

“Who exactly is the Queen of the South…?”

“Stanley, have you ever visited Accrington, Stanley…?”

Some of the many personalities also seem to bring with them a whole host of worrying questions, too…

“What gives Tiger Woods…?”

“Was Curtis Strange…?”

“Was Billie Jean King…?”

“Was Niki Lauda…?” (And what exactly was he louder than…?)

“Did Martina Never-rat-a-lover…?”

“Was Virginia Wade…?” (And how much did she weigh…?)

“Never mind his ability to drive, can that Nigel Mansell…?”

“Was Ricky Ponting?”

“Did Jimmy Connors?”

“How do I get to Graham Hill?”

“How highly polished is a Barry Sheene?”

“How secure are Gordon Banks?”

“Was George Best?”

“She is a nice girl, but can Eric Cantona?”

“Did you train weekly or Daley, Thomson?”

“Did Zola Budd?”

“As well as being a Cricketer, was Phil Tufn’all?”

“Was there ever a Geoffrey Boycott?”

Finally (you’ll no doubt be pleased to hear), my inner geek is almost duty bound to ask: “Was Bjorn Borg?” (“Resistance is futile!”)

This frivolous piece of nonsense was, of course, all inspired by my own ’umble contributions to a recent Twittergame, and why ever not…?

After all, you do have to take your inspiration from wherever you can find it and it does, of course, demonstrate once and for all the limits of my own (very) small spectrum of sporting knowledge…