No, not really…
Somehow, despite sitting around for four days feeling exhausted, and not
even finding enough energy to do much more than boil the occasional kettle for
sustenance, somehow I still wake up early on “back to work” day feeling utterly
shattered…
And it was still too cloudy to even say I got up early to watch the
“Transit of Venus” which is the last chance that I’m ever likely to get to do
that and might just have lodged itself in my memory slightly more than the
Diamond Jubilee will…
After all, speaking as someone who had to actually ask who the bloke in
the suit was being interviewed on that trailer for the Gary Barlow programme,
only to be told that it was “Probable Future King, erm (goes to look it up –
I always was dreadful with names) William” possibly means that these Royal
events don’t seem to quite sink in with me as much as with other folk…
I maintain I would have known who it was if he’d been wearing that
uniform he usually has on or his flying helmet, but I don’t think I was
believed.
So, after four days spent feeling sleepy and even attempting (but
failing) to actually have the odd nap, I staggered up to bed on Tuesday evening
and failed once more to sleep the sleep of the just, waking up once more in the
dead of night and fretting about the fact that, now I’m temporarily working
from home again, if the heart, which was keeping me awake by pounding blood to
my brain like a steam engine, does conk out during the day it’s very unlikely
that anyone would even notice until it was far, far too late…
“I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad…” Ah, you know the rest…
and if you don’t, well you can look it up…
It’s not as if I’m feeling exhausted through hard physical labour or
anything, either. The high point of Tuesday afternoon was finding some time to
read my latest “comic” and taking it upstairs to put on the pile with all of
the others.
Before that I had depressed myself totally by watching some old
documentaries we had on the DVR machine from about a year ago called “All
Watched Over by Machines of Loving Grace”. We saw part one months ago, but
decided that parts two and three were well overdue a look, and watching them
did little to confirm to me that human beings are all that pleasant to hang
around with, what with all those theories about the “selfish gene” making me
really wonder about my own skewed relationship with the notion of “family” and
then the descriptions of the genocide in Zaire and Rwanda, and the theory that
much of those troubles grew out of the days of Empire when the Belgian
Authorities were still trying to maintain the “status quo” of Imperial Oppression
and spread basic untruths that were still regarded as “fact” generations later
and transformed themselves into internecine warfare.
I mean, even the “peaceful and loving” Hippie communities managed to
fall apart because there were people trying to live together…
It’s not a huge leap, you know, if you’re one of those people who claims
that it could never happen here. Just think about all of those petty little
squabbles in your own life that have managed to get blown out of all proportion
and wonder to yourself whether the fundamental human condition is conflict.
So, despite four days in which to “chill out” in, I returned to my
travails as exhausted as ever, wondering whether I am ever going to learn to
relax and get a decent night’s sleep and just learn the gentle art of
unwinding…?
Meanwhile, just in case you thought that my headline today displayed a horrible truth that I had finally gone over to the Dark Side, I am reminded of Charlie Brooker on a recent “Have I Got News
For You” (May 25 2012) commenting on that dreadful reductive “Chillax” – “Anyone who combines
two words together like that is a total funt…”
Can’t say fairer than that...
I have come to the conclusion that just about everything makes me tired. I awake tired, I go to bed tired and I'm tired in-between even though I do nothing to make me tired. Perhaps tiredness is an energy, rather like anger.
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