LUKE'S BLOG

Hcvhjx dcvv hhcvj ;sdl

Gaaah! The Force is rubbish for touch-typing. Going to have to use my left hand only anyway today (long story).

I had a really bad day. Woke up (again!) at Uncle Yoda’s on Dagobah. Bashed my head (again!) on the ceiling and had breakfast. A nice enough little fella, Uncle Yoda is, but he’s not got much in the way of cereals.

Went through the usual boring old exercise routines and started to get a really bad feeling. At first I thought it was my breakfast coming back, but it was worse than that. Had a HUGE row with Uncle Yoda, and stormed off. Took Artoo with me. I like having Artoo around, he makes me feel so tall.

Made good time flying to Bespin, although the traffic got a bit bad towards the end. It was all a bit quiet but then things kicked off and I ended up having a huge fight with my Dad. Of course, when it started, I didn’t know he was my Dad, but that doesn’t make me feel any better, and I still don’t think it was very fair of him to cut my flippin’ hand off. Talk about tough love!

Lost my best Lightsaber, too.

So, anyway, that made me really annoyed, right? So I told him I’d rather chuck myself off a roof than spend any more time with him and he’s like “Well go ahead then” and I’m like “OK then” and he’s like “Get on with it then” and I’m like “Well I will.”

So I did.

I fell a pretty long way, actually. It was like, miles. Didn’t do me any damage, mind ’cos I’m rock hard me. Afterwards I tried to tell the Princess how tough I was but she was just moping about, telling me my bezzie mate’s been embedded in carbonite or something and how much she lerves him and everything…

Pillock!

Anyway, she can’t lerve him that much ’cos it was me she came and rescued and everything, wasn’t it? Not him. She let him get dragged off to Jabba’s place, but it was me she came back for. So there, Han old buddy (and come to think of it, you moved in a bit sharpish there mate, whilst I was out of the way on my training course). I keep trying to tell her that I fell a really long way and all, but she just says it was probably a bit further for me, what with me being so short and everything.

She can talk.

I only wanted to go out with her anyway because she made me feel taller. She’s the only girl I’ve ever met who made me feel like that. Maybe if I told her about who my Dad is, she’d pay me a bit more attention.

Don’t know quite how I feel about finally meeting my Dad, of course. I mean, it’s good to finally get to talk and all, but I’m going to have to get on the old Force hotline and have a few words with old Ben. Senile old fool must’ve got confused. I suppose it happens if you spend twenty-odd years living all alone in a hole in the ground. Still he might remember whether Dad went bald or got fat. I mean, it’s hard to tell when he goes around dressed like that all the time, but it would be useful to know. I wonder if he ever wakes up of a morning and fancies wearing pastels for a change?

I suppose I’m going to have to change my name now. I wonder what I should call myself? Am I Luke Vader now? Perhaps I should hyphenate it? Luke Vader-Skywalker…? Luke Skywalker-Vader…? Yes, I think I like the sound of that…

Maybe that’ll impress the Princess… and I’m sure with Han now well out of the way, I’ve got a good chance of getting in there. Maybe I could get the Robodoc to add a few special features to my new hand…?  That might help…

I wonder if he does leg extensions?

Posted by Luke_Sblogwalker, Somewhere in deep space, A long time ago

((I’m sure that this kind of thing has been done many times before, and probably much better, too, but I couldn’t spend all this time examining the dark side of life without at least touching briefly on the “Dark Side”, could I? –M.))