QUATERMASS AND THE BISCUIT (A SCRIPT)

QUATERMASS AND THE BISCUIT (A SCRIPT)

The Players

QUATERMASS - A Professor

RONEY – A Doctor of Archaeology

BREEN - An Army Colonel

POTTER - A Bomb Disposal Expert

BARBARA - An Impressionable Girl

WEST – An Impressionable Sapper

Several Sundry Others

BBC ANNINECER TAPE CHEPPIE:

The following programme may not be suitable for persons of a nervous disposition, or anyone who just fancies a nibble

[CRASH IN GRAMS – Mars, the God of Chocolate Treats]

BBC ANNINECER TAPE CHEPPIE:

“Quatermass and the Biscuit”

A serial for television in six weekly parts

After his Rocky Road Group has been handed over to the military, Professor Quatermass is invited to an archaeological dig at Hobbe’s Knobbe by his friend Doctor Roney.

There they discover human remains and a buried cylinder that can only be some ancient kind of biscuit tin.

It quickly becomes clear that this is no ordinary biscuit tin, but one of colossal size…

QUATERMASS:

Five MILLION calories…!

BBC ANNINECER TAPE CHEPPIE:

“Episode Two – The Great Martian Bake Off”

QUATERMASS:

Five MILLION calories…!

BREEN:

Ridiculous… This is some kind of hoax, baked up by the Germans to ruin morale at the end of the war and make us tear up our ration books and use up all of our eggs, butter and flour…

QUATERMASS:

Do you honestly believe that?

BREEN:

It makes more sense than your ridiculous Jammy Dodgy theories…

Captain Potter, are your men ready?

POTTER:

No sir, they’re all over at the Pob’s Lane site…

BREEN:

Well, get them over here at once…!

POTTER:

But sir, they’re knee deep in spit, sir…!

QUATERMASS:

Five MILLION gallons…!

POTTER:

At least, sir…!

BREEN:

No excuses, Potter!

POTTER:

(Sigh) Yes, sir…!

Miss Judd, you understand, don’t you…?

BARBARA:

Yes… They’ll all have soggy bottoms.

Now, I’ve been talking to a few of the locals… They say nothing but a few ships biscuits were available until the Yanks turned up, but they tell me it’s always been a troubled place…

QUATERMASS:

Troubled, how so?

BARBARA:

All of their signature bakes refused to rise.

After a while, nobody wanted to live there.

I had a cup of tea round at the Chilcott’s place and all they could offer me were a couple of soggy digestives.

QUATERMASS:

Wholemeal?

BARBARA:

Sweetmeal… The last dregs of a Peek Freans Assortment…

QUATERMASS:

My God…!

Breen, Do you see what this means…?

BREEN:

Poppycock! It’s just the ravings of an impressionable girl!

BARBARA:

How dare he…?

BREEN:

Everyone knows that it’s always the pink wafers that are last to be eaten.

BARBARA:

Well…!

BREEN:

I’ll hear no more of her silly nonsense.

Can’t you get her to make some tea, or something?

BARBARA:

Honestly…!

QUATERMASS:

Perhaps it’s for the best…

BARBARA:

Well, he certainly won’t be getting a Custard Cream, that’s for sure!

BREEN:

She’d be telling us she’s seen little green men from Mars next.

Anyway, Potter, now that your men are finally here, I want the entire site dug down a further six feet…

RONEY:

But you can’t! The site will be ruined…

POTTER:

Are you sure, sir…? Only Doctor Roney says…

BREEN:

Doctor Roney is no longer in charge of this site, I am.

Is that perfectly clear, Captain?

POTTER:

(Sigh) Yes, sir…!

Right lads, you heard the order. Dig in!

[GRAMS – Digging noises]

RONEY:

Barbara, quick! Help me. We’ve got to save what we can…

BARBARA:

What about the tea?

RONEY:

Hang the tea! This is far more important!

Oh, look at what they’ve done…!

It’s all crumbling to nothing…

QUATERMASS:

But look, Roney… They’ve exposed a massive cylinder.

RONEY:

Covered in ancient Markings…

QUATERMASS:

What can these words mean…? McVities HobNobs…?

RONEY:

Hob is one of the ancient names for the devil…

BARBARA:

It’s here, in the notes I made…

There are tales of oaty biscuits dating right back to the Middle Ages... Here at Hobb's Knobbe, where excavations were taking place at the bottom of the biscuit barrel...

QUATERMASS:

And again, here…

"Doe notte tayke ye nayme of ye cheysse manne yn vaine - he doth hath grate eville withyn hymme and is crackers…"

Oatcakes…!

In Medieval times…!

I wonder…

WEST:

[MUFFLED] Sir…? Sir…?

POTTER:

What is it Westie?

BREEN:

Sapper West! Spit it out man…

WEST:

Sorry, sir, but it was a right tasty piece of…

BREEN:

I’ll have you on a charge, West!

WEST:

Sorry, sir.

The cylinder, sir, we’ve opened it, sir…

It’s empty, sir

BREEN:

But it can’t be…

WEST:

But it is, sir…!

It was some kind of figure, sir…

It went through them all…!

[CRASH IN END TITLES]

[CRASH IN GRAMS – Another few bars of Mars]

Martin A W Holmes, August 2018 (& 100616)

Based upon the classic serial by Nigel Kneale
(with thanks to Lisa & Andrew for the Pob idea)