SUAVE 280815

"He may seem suave, Watson, but he's a rogue, an utter rogue!"
"He's still not replying to your telegrams then, Holmes?"

He's suave and urbane
Yet completely insane -
A nefarious love rat
At his throat - a black bat

"Suave" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance for.. Ah, I'm sure you already know.

Sophisticated -
It's down to more than looking
Suave and elegant

"Do you think I should put on the tux now, or should I suave it for later...?"

Suave enough to make girls faint
Wearing his tuxedo for armour,
Simon Templar, the Saint,
Was a bit of a charmer.

YESTERNIGHT 270815

"You haven't asked me where I was yesternight, Holmes" 
"In the library, going through the archives, Watson" yawned Holmes.

What happened on yesternight
Is something I'll never say
But it wouldn't be such a plight
To tell you all about yesterday

"Yesternight" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that kinda lingers

The morning after -
Memories form in fragments
From our yesternight

Time travel doesn't half mess with your tenses - if I say yesternight it will all be over before it's even begun.

NARCOLEPSY 260815

"The poor girl's suffering from narcolepsy, Watson!"

"Well, you have been talking for a very, very long time, Holmes..."

I've got narcolepsy
I keep falling asleep -
If I don't binge drink Pepsi
I end up in a heap...

"Narcolepsy" (from Kelvin Clone) - Sweet dreams are made of this

ry to convince me
That I'm not boring at all -
It's narcolepsy

Another successful year at Narcolepsy Academy - the entire class has passed out.

Narcolepsy - A disorder characterized by sudden and uncontrollable attacks of deep sleep, often brief, sometimes accompanied by paralysis and hallucinations.

MORNING COMMUTE 260815

Sitting

At traffic lights

Watching

The council gardeners

Watering

Hanging baskets in the rain

CHORTLE 250815

At Stargate HQ

I had to stifle a chortle

When that lad who was new

Tripped and fell through the portal

The Gods they chortle

Over the huge joke they played -

Making us mortal

"I deduce from your slight chortle, Watson, & the itching powder in my deerstalker, that All Fool's Day has come around again."

"Chortle" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance for those moments when the joke's on you

YVONNE

A Batgirl passes -
Old men remember their dreams
In her memory

VJ DAY +70

Dad,
12 IFMTU,
1944
(For VJ Day +70)

CONTRETEMPS 140815

"Well, this was a proper contretemps, make no mistake!" said Lestrade. 
"I didn't know you cared..." replied Holmes, wearily.

My mate he got us tickets
He told us they were comps -
But it turned out they were fakes
It caused a right old contretemps...

"Contretemps" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that might just get you hitched

Any contretemps
Will always much trouble me -
It draws attention

The most embarrassing part of the speech came when he told us that the French don't have a word for that kind of contretemps.

Contretemps -
°An unforeseen, inopportune, or embarrassing event; a hitch.
°An ill-timed pass.

EMBROCATION 130815

"Watson, can you smell that?" asked Holmes.
"What is it?" I replied.
"Embrocation, my dear Watson!"

To cure this fetid nation
Will take more than a scrub
It will need an embrocation
Aye, there's the rub.

"Embrocation" (from Kelvin Clone) - sometimes our fragrances are the solution to all your woes

This embrocation
Won't really salve anything
But our consciences

"I call this scar my embrocation" he said "because it's the cut that got the cream..."

Embrocation - the act of moistening and rubbing a diseased part with spirit, oil, etc; the liquid or lotion with which an affected part is rubbed.

SHORT MORNING POETRY (OF A SORT) 130815

I ate my yoghurt
Over the sink
In a vain effort
To keep my fresh shirt clean
Just a little longer

J.C. THOUGHTS AND CHAT

Normally, much of my so-called "poetry" is responded to with a big "Ho-hum!" but my recent thoughts on the Jeremy Corbyn leadership election inspired this chat on FizzBok which I'm presenting today for you to mull over.

http://m-a-w-h.blogspot.co.uk/2015/08/jc.html

CN: I'm a JC supporter, but I'm afraid you're probably right...

MH: Hence my "work in progress" - I completely understand his position, wish there were more like him, and understand how he appeals amidst a sea of photocopied "professional politicians in suits" but knowing that he'll be 71 years old by the time of the next election really makes him unelectable (in my opinion) in the current "youth (and image) obsessed culture", especially when the "Young vs Old" war seems to be getting more stirred up by the numpties the country voted in in May. I may be wrong, I hope I am, but with the main opposition hell-bent on self-destruction anyway, why the hell not, eh? (Never wise to discuss politics, I know!) 

CN: I know, I've always avoided discussing politics too, partly to avoid arguments and also because I've never held out much hope of anything ever changing. But, I have been feeling more angry and motivated than usual since the general election and during the current leadership election. I do fear you're right though. I don't realistically see him being PM either, as you said his age and image and the opposition of the right-wing press will be hard to get past, and I'm afraid the JC campaign is probably destined to be a short-lived protest movement. I hope not though. I can hope, right? :-)

MH: I honestly don't know. Maybe there will be a sea-change in the attitudes of "people" (though, I've not got much time for "people" at the best of times, as you know). The problem remains arithmetical anyway. Thanks to the referendum last year, TLP have made themselves pretty much unelectable in Scotland now (who in Scotland would now vote in favour of more control from Westminster?) and without those seats the 300 that will generally always vote for TCP in England remain an almost insurmountable obstacle. This is where the PR argument always gains ground, but if you look at the way we might have been now under PR it's actually quite frightening given the rise of the right. Plus, it's not going to happen anyway because it's not in the interests of the governing party, whatever it is. The problem I have is that in my heart I'm an idealist, but my head remains firmly realist, and I can't see these numpties being overthrown in five or even ten years, no matter what they do. Britain generally likes the status quo and as long as "people" think that "something new" is going to cost them personally, I don't think they'll ever vote for something "radical"

CN: Yes, it's a sad reflection on our country, but true nevertheless. However, it does look like he may win this round at least, so we should have interesting times ahead.

MH: :-)

AH: Well I have spent my three quid and he is getting my vote. Otherwise we abandon all hope of change for the better.

CN: Mine too. The Labour website has gone into meltdown :-)

AH: He will walk the leadership. Then we shall see, he has five years to build a better party.

EP: Powerful stuff Mr H.

MH: Or not, obviously…

AH: Great poem, but I hope you are wrong. Without a chance we will be America in twenty years or so. I am supporting Corbyn regardless of age, and I think that he will surprise us all.

MH: I don't hold his age against him, I just remember the front pages from the '83 election, and also that the next election is four years away.

AH: Maybe it is time for he elder statesman once more. I don't think he is as odd as Foot came across.

MH: Maybe… although, ironically, Mr Foot was far more centrist than he was given credit for.

AH: And I am sure that once Corbyn is leader that he will be a little more centrist too. He's no fool and needs to lead the party, not drag it along kicking and screaming. I have yet to decide who I will vote for as his deputy, but I probably won't go for a left-minded candidate.

MH: I also remember the press being full of stuff like this

AH: let's see what the press say when he runs away with this election. Michael Foot was bonkers in the eyes of just about everyone and Tony Benn added to that fatal mix. Let's hope Corbyn has the sense to keep his friends close and his enemies even closer.

MH: Rupert is waiting to pounce. It may get ugly. :-(

AH: Even Murdoch might need to take care.

MH: Actually, that's very true. He might very well underestimate the level of contempt that this current bunch of power junkies are already being held in by his readership.

LATER:

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/08/12/labour-leadership-election-list-of-people-banned_n_7976506.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

CN: https://twitter.com/CorbynWarnings

MH: :-)

AH: Yes the Labour MP's are beginning to panic. The problem with Corbyn is that he turns their cosy, London focused, plastic, privileged world upside down and the electorate (well more of them than for quite a while) think he'll be good for Labour and like him as a person. Yes, like him. Imagine that, a politician being liked instead of feared, detested and mistrusted.

CN: He'll win this, but he's going to have a tough time ahead of him, for all the reasons Martin mentioned earlier. I would love to believe that a likeable, transparent, sincere person could lead the country though.

AH: it will be tough, but he strikes me as tough and he will make concessions and compromises and gather a good shadow cabinet around him and make a difference I hope. The Labour Party should wake up to the opportunity he presents and not keep going on about train crashes and listening to Blair and his failed Blairites. For the first time in years people are rallying to a cause, not simply going along the road of the safest option with 'what choice to I have?' He may be a brilliant Prime Minister, he could make people happy, he might even unravel this bloody awful mess that Thatcher, Blair and now Cameron and his Eton boys have made of this great land of ours. The game's afoot; Follow your spirit: and upon this charge, Cry — God for Jeremy! England and Saint George!

CN: You're right, I feel like I've finally woken up after twenty years or more of political apathy. We could make this happen!

MH: This has all been very interesting (especially as I just started knocking together a daft poem to get my thoughts in order). Meanwhile, I still maintain that much of the last election was decided on the idea that there was definitely going to be a coalition, and we're all reaping the unfortunate results of there not being, and the "absolute power " of implementing a ridiculously over the top manifesto.

AH: In terms of the Deputy for me it is Tom Watson. He will be the sensible echo that Corbyn might need, a moderator but also a man of belief. And he can get things done.

AH:You are right Martin. I was voting for a coalition given that the Labour leadership of the time was not at all palatable.

CN: Yes I like the sound of him too. He has a good track record of standing up to bad people.

AH: Yep.

MH: There was also a certain amount of the politics of fear stirred up, too. One of my wilder theories is that much of the voting in Scotland was on the understanding that there would be positions in cabinet come the glorious day, and not merely additional shouty voices being ignored on the opposition benches. I still think that a ninety day "are you sure that's what you wanted?" return option on your vote might not be the worst idea I've ever had, but now I'm just getting silly. All this political talk, when talking politics is one of the biggest no-nos that there is. ;-)

PANACEA 120815

#artwiculate panacea

"Holmes! Everything we do to combat crime can be little more than a panacea!"
"True, Watson, but your Italian is coming along"

If you think that one person
Is a panacea for the world's ills
Don't be surprised if things worsen
(And keep taking the pills!)

"Panacea" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that will solve all your woes (if you believe the advertising)

A panacea
Can't be enough to cure all
The pain I see 'ere

A politician is usually just another snake-oil salesperson bringing cries of "Panacea to the people!"

Panacea - a remedy believed to cure all disease and prolong life that was originally sought by alchemists; a cure-all; something that will solve all problems

J.C.

He’s a nice man

He’s a decent man

He says a lot I could agree with

A radical man

An unelectable man

If you choose to believe the myth

In these radical days

Post-election days

Some find his style appealing

And as the Eton gits dump

On poor and needy chumps

What the country needs is healing

I hear what you’re saying

It all makes sense to me

But I don’t think this country’s ready

To vote for Jeremy

Idealists may adore you

As much as enemies deplore you

But it will take much more than dreams

’Cos in this fetid world

Where tons of shit get hurled

They’ll trash you in their reams

You’re in your prime now, but

The ghost of Michael Foot

Should remind us what they’ll do

As you hit the seventh decade

We’ll all end up dismayed

At what a good man must go through

I hear what you’re saying

It all makes sense to me

But I still don’t think Britain’s ready

To pick a man of seventy

Is a country full of self-interest

And those who will invest -

Meant to mend its selfish ways?

“But what about MY money

My little pot of honey?”

Is the mantra that they’ll say

So a plain-speaking man

Who believes in doing what he can

Will struggle to be heard

Over all the economists babble

The bankers selfish rabble

Will make him sound quite absurd

I hear what you’re saying

It all makes sense to me

But I still don’t think we’re ready

To vote for Jeremy

Idealists might not care

Find him refreshingly rare

In this self-obsessive bloody State

Yet the realist in me

In the world that I can see

Knows that there’ll just be no debate

I fear those “old ways” won’t appeal

To people used to other kinds of zeal

All the selfish bastards full of hate

And those who frighten with their powers

In the most ivory of towers

Will have already sealed his fate

I hear what you’re saying

It all makes sense to me

But I still don’t think they’re ready

To let us vote in Jeremy

Whilst in the nooks and crannies

All the teenagers and grannies

May find this bunch of crooks too cruel

So as they duck and dive and sway

Keep on hacking at our meager pay

We’ll all end up asking for more gruel

And governments we’re still picking

Mean to give US all a damned good kicking

When some thought that they were selecting

Someone to be handing out a thrashing

To all those OTHERS who needed bashing

And not those doing the electing

I hear what you’re saying

It all makes sense to me

But whilst I still don’t think we’re ready

We need more like Jeremy

Martin A W Holmes (work in progress), August 2015

INSOUCIANCE 110815

Whenever I accused my friend, Mr Sherlock Holmes, of insouciance, he always took it as a great compliment.

I may suffer from insouciance
And a possibly fatal cynicism
But I put more faith in science
Than in any form of mysticism

"Insouciance" (from Kelvin Clone) - Buy it, or don't... use it, or don't... we really just don't care.

I really don't care
If you retweet this or not -
Such insouciance!

They put me on the Insouciance Ward, because I couldn't care less.

insouciance

(n) : careless, heedless, indifferent, or casual unconcern; nonchalance

HAIKU 110815

Confidence shattered
My ability to word-wrangle
Crashes to zero

DEMURE 080815

"The Bayswater Murderess was the most demure woman I ever met, Watson, which only goes to show"
"What a fine woman, Holmes!"

I have to demur
At people to say
That I am demure -
(I'm funny that way)

"Demure" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance that... Ah, what the hell, you're not going to use it anyway...

A life lived alone
Doesn't have to be a life
In which you're demure

She was always a little demure; She once spent an entire party sitting outside in space marked "reserved parking"

Demure - quiet, modest, reserved or serious

TIGHT-KU

Shorts so very short
And tight it seems they're being
Eaten from within

ASHES 2015

All those hopes and dreams
Summer's long fearful drama -
The Ashes regained

GREGARIOUS 070815

"He may seem a jolly, gregarious fellow, Watson" said Holmes "but he's also one of the most nefarious pickpockets in London!"

In these crazy modern times
This might seem a little curious
But the last thing on my mind
Is becoming more gregarious

"Gregarious" (from Kelvin Clone) - the fragrance for anyone who wants to stand out with the crowd

She's never at home
Always out with her posse -
Gregarious girl

The Emperor Gregarious was one of the most popular leaders Rome ever had

Gregarious - (adj) : describing one who enjoys being in crowds and socializing; of animals who travel in herds or packs

DISCOMBOBULATE 060815

"If he thinks this is going to discombobulate me, Watson" said Holmes "then he's got another forty-seven thinks coming!"

This world, I tend to find
It will discombobulate -
When I discover what's in the minds
Of all the people who hate.

"Discombobulate" (from Kelvin Clone) - it's really overpowering stuff!

Robert was tardy
Always messing with his hair -
Discombobulate!

His career as a hairstylist would always discombobulate him - he was forever losing his comb in the customer's locks

discombobulate - (jocular) To throw into a state of confusion; to befuddle or perplex.

ERM...

Unusual day -

Australia lose seven

Wickets before noon

6 - 8 - 45, 8:16 AM

Six - Eight - Forty-five

The sky burned, the world boiled -

In Hiroshima

Eight-Sixteen A.M.

Human beings turned to dust

When the A-Bomb fell

FLOCCINAUCINIHILIPILIFICATION 050815

My friend, Mr Sherlock Holmes, had a reputation for his floccinaucinihilipilification of the Cheapside constabulary.

Your floccinaucinihilipilification
Of much that I thought was flashy
Led to an amplification
Of the sense I was quite trashy

"Floccinaucinihilipilification" (from Kelvin Clone) - because you're not worth it.

Floccinaucinihi-
Lipilification -
Cheap to do haiku

Ironically, the word "floccinaucinihilipilification" would be worth quite a lot in Scrabble.

Floccinaucinihilipilification - The act or habit of describing or regarding something as worthless.

LANDSLIDE (TEXT VERSION 01)

A long(ish) “poem” for three voices

VOICE 1 – He wears a shirt and trousers as if they’ve been thrown on in a hurry

VOICE 2 – She wears a dressing gown

VOICE 3 – He wears the work clothes of an office worker

FADE UP:

VOICE 1:

When does a landslide begin?

Is it when the mountain cracks?

Or when the boulders crumble?

VOICE 2:

Is it when the pebbles fall?

Or the gravel shifts?

VOICE 3:

Is it when the bird shifts a speck of dust?

Or that butterfly flaps its wings?

VOICE 1:

A bird…

VOICE 2:

Takes a peck…

VOICE 3:

And a mountain

Lands on your house…

VOICE 2:

And the world

VOICES 2 & 3:           

Lies broken…           

VOICES 1 & 2           

When does a landslide begin?

VOICE 1:

You could argue that

The landslide began when the earth moved…

VOICE 2:

It did for us…!

VOICE 1:

And the continents crashed

And the mountains rippled up

From out of the sea…

Or…

VOICE 2:

Maybe…

VOICE 1:

Even earlier than that…

When the rocks orbiting the sun

Coalesced and cooled

To form a world…

VOICE 3:

Or…

VOICE 2:

Maybe…

VOICE 1:

Even earlier than that…

VOICE 2:

All the way back

To the big bang…

VOICE 1:

Ah yes! The big bang…!

VOICE 2:

It gets blamed for a lot…

VOICE 3:

It ought to be…!

VOICE 1:

People do think that it all

Comes down to that great…

VOICE 2:

Big…

VOICES 1 & 2:           

Bang…            !

VOICE 1:

People blame it for everything…

VOICE 2:

Everything…!

VOICE 3:

I know I do…!

VOICE 1:

So…

I ask you again…

When does a landslide begin?

VOICE 2:

When does a landslide begin?

VOICE 3:

When does a landslide begin?

VOICE 2:

It all began so innocently

After all…

We’d been together for years…

VOICE 3:

Years!

VOICE 2:

And, you know…

It was…

Fine…

VOICE 3:

Fine…?

VOICE 2:

Well, you know…

We rattled along

In our own quiet way…

Harmlessly…

VOICE 3:

Harmlessly?

VOICE 2:

But never really…

GOING anywhere…

So I did this thing…

VOICE 3:

Didn’t you just…!

VOICE 2:

WENT to this thing…

And I met this guy…

Nigel…

VOICE 1:

Hello!

VOICE 2:

And at first it was…

Fine, you know…?

VOICE 3:

Not really, no…

VOICE 2:

We just chatted and…

VOICE 3:

And…?

VOICE 2:

Became friends…

VOICE 1:

GOOD friends…

VOICE 3:

More than just friends…

VOICE 2:

Not yet…

Not then…

Later on, maybe,

But not yet…

VOICE 1:

But meeting her…

It hit me like a landslide…

I knew that I wanted her…

Wanted to be with her…

Forever…

VOICE 2:

Forever…

VOICE 1:

She was the one…

VOICE 2:

The one…!

VOICE 1:

And whatever it took

I was going to take her…

VOICE 3:

From me…!

VOICE 2:

From you…

VOICE 1:

Well why not?

You weren’t offering her anything.

I offered her everything…

A future…

A life together…

Everything…

VOICE 2:

But not yet…

I wasn’t ready…

Yet…

VOICE 3:

But…

We had a life…

VOICE 2:

Not that sort of life…

VOICE 1:

No!

VOICE 2:

And anyway…

For the moment…

VOICE 3:

The moment…?

VOICE 2:

I wanted…

Both…

VOICE 3:

Your cake and eating it?

VOICE 2:

Maybe…

Perhaps…

I don’t know…

It just…

Started…

And you made it easy…

“I’m just visiting my friend” I’d say…

“He’s having some problems”

VOICE 3:

And like the idiot I am

I believed you…

VOICE 2:

You always did…

VOICE 3:

So many times…

Too many times…!

VOICE 2:

I sometimes wished…

That you would cheat on us too…

 VOICE 3:

I never did!

VOICE 2:

But I wished you had…

VOICE 3:

To ease your conscience?

VOICE 2:

It would have made things…

Easier…

VOICE 1:

Easier…

VOICE 3:

Too easy…

VOICE 2:

You think this was easy?

VOICE 3:

I think YOU were…

Frequently…

VOICE 1:

Well, she never cheated on me!

VOICE 2:

No…?

VOICE 3:

But deep down I already knew.

I remember one long

Late winter evening

When you were so long overdue

Round at his place…

VOICE 1:

Time for a quick one before you go?

VOICE 2:

Go on then…

VOICE 3:

Judging by the time you

Finally got home

It must have been a very slow quickie…

VOICE 1:

Oh yes!

VOICE 3:

I was alone for hours

Without a word

Watching for your car coming back

And trying to watch

But not watching

This bloody film

“Trains…”

VOICE 1:

“Planes…”

VOICE 2:

“and Automobiles”

VOICE 1:

Great film!

VOICE 3:

Is it?

I’ve never been able to watch it…

Since…

VOICE 2:

But I did come back…

VOICE 3:

For a while…

You know, your best friend

Our best friend,

The married one…

VOICE 2:

The dead one…!

VOICE 3:

Once told me that she knew all about you…

Two…

VOICE 1:

Well, she would…

VOICE 2:

Wouldn’t she…?

VOICE 3:

And she thought it was really unfair…

VOICE 2:

Was this when you were shagging her?

VOICE 3:

That was much later!

VOICE 1:

Way to go!

VOICES 2 & 3:           

Shut up!

VOICE 3:

Unfair on me…

Unfair on her…

She wanted to tell me

But she couldn’t -

Not without…

VOICE 2:

Betraying a confidence…

VOICE 3:

Betrayal…

VOICE 1:

Might have saved a lot of trouble if she had…

VOICE 2:

Might have prevented…

VOICE 1:

That Friday…

VOICE 3:

The landslide…!

VOICES 1 & 2:           

The landslide!

VOICE 3:

You know…

I was having a great day…!

VOICE 1:

So was I!

VOICE 2:

Weren’t we all?

VOICE 3:

A lovely, warm spring day.

The sun was shining

And

It felt like the first

Day of summer.

The boss,

In a rare moment of goodwill,

Decided to let us all

Go home early…

VOICE 1:

The idiot!

VOICE 3:

I knew, you know

VOICES 1 & 2:           

Really?

VOICE 3:

The moment I got home

Your White Capri outside

VOICE 1:

Ah…

VOICE 3:

The bedroom window

Open wide…

Like…

VOICE 2:

I heard you come in!

I’ve never been so frightened…

Never moved so fast

In all my life…!

VOICE 3:

I whistled…

Madly

Loudly

As I approached the front door

Hoping you’d hear

VOICE 2:

I did

VOICE 1:

WE did!

VOICE 3:

Rattling the keys

All but bellowing

“Hi Honey, I’m home”

Or something like that

VOICE 2:

Something like that…

I grabbed a dressing gown

VOICE 3:

My dressing gown!

VOICE 2:

And just got to the door

In time to hold it closed

And stop you opening it…

VOICE 3:

“Don’t come in!” you shouted

VOICE 2:

Please don’t come in…

VOICE 1:

Whilst I’m in the bedroom

Frantically grabbing my clothes

And wondering whether

I’d get thumped

And how I’d got into

This sit-com farce

VOICE 3:

And I gave you time

I waited in the kitchen

And let you leave

And didn’t thump anyone

VOICE 1:

Result!

VOICE 3:

Though for years I wished I had

VOICE 2:

I’m glad you didn’t

VOICE 3:

I’m better than that

I deserved better than that!

You left a week later

Got your own place

But the sex we had that week

VOICE 1:

Eh…?

VOICE 3:

Was probably the best we ever had…

VOICE 1:

I think that we need to have

A conversation…

VOICE 2:

Really, we don’t…

VOICE 1:

But…

VOICE 2:

It was all so long ago now…

VOICE 3:

Then you both went away

For a weekend

And the twist in my gut

When I found out you’d gone

Told me you weren’t ever coming back

VOICE 2:

I tried to stay in touch

We tried to remain friends…

VOICE 3:

But that was never going to work…

VOICE 1:

Never…

VOICE 3:

But even now

After all these years have passed

I still find I resent

The happiness you’ve had

The successes that you’ve had

The family that you’ve had

With the life you stole

From me

And even though

I accept that you did

What you had to do…

For you…

The question

I now realise

Is not

When does a landslide begin

But will it ever end?

FADEOUT

Martin A W Holmes, August 2015