MORE "NEW ALAN BENNETT MONOLOGUES" CONTRIBUTIONS

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Once she heard World War 2 was all down to a tiny knob, Doris insisted on remodelling the kitchen cupboards.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "That nephew of yours is going to have a hard time flying around in 15% of a Eurofighter" said Tom ruefully.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mavis said she'd made up her mind about Europe until she thought about her cheap fortnights on the Costa Brava.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues History tells us we are probably approaching the end of days, but the question is Will there still be Jaffa Cakes?

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I tried to take out some insurance against idiots ruining everything, but the company claimed they already had.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues People with this idealised picture-postcard notion of 1950s "Village" Britain obviously never had to live there.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "The Northern Powerhouse is an act of faith" said the vicar "So praise the Lord & pass round the collection plate"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm thinking of writing to the Oxford English Dictionary to get them to update their definition for "United"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I think I'd like to vote for "Let's try it for a year, see how it goes, and change our minds if we don't like it"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Why leave it at that?" asked Brian "if I could vote for the independent free state of Yorkshire, I would..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The W.I. were not impressed when Maud suggested using only Hermesetas in cakes to get around the sugar tax.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Not very discreet is it?" said Tom "if I wanted to get money by shouting at a box, well... There are other means"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The problem with this Pope/Trump, Trump/Pope spat is that one of them's playing cards & the other's playing chess.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Under the Bronze Age wheel, they also found a card saying "We tried to deliver your wheel but you were out..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Sometimes" shuddered Bob "it's a blessing not to be the sort of chap people send pictures of themselves to..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Realising that laws could be misinterpreted, Brian was disappointed not to get a refund on his library book fine.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dave worried that he knew more about dirty bombs after listening to the Radio 4 news than he'd ever known before.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Barry has spent weeks working out just where anybody famous now featured on what he was calling the "Bowie Scale"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud looked at the Eurovision rule changes and realised that she was going to have to make a lot more sandwiches.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Look at your father" said Mam "Went in for a hernia operation, and they accidentally took all his brains out..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "In my day" huffed Dad "If you did something foolish you tried to hide it, not sell the non-story to a newspaper"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Hearing about the two newly discovered Tolkien poems, Peter was already busily planning another six-movie epic.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada paused, kettle in one hand, tea bag in the other, wondering where all of the high sugar content actually was.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues 
"There's a great big void where one of my BBCs used to be" cried Vera
"Better get used to it" Ma retorted sourly

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Old Tom had to be persuaded that waving his cigarette lighter in the air was unlikely to change any flightpaths.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Bert was rather disappointed to find that leaving Twitter neither bothered the national press nor his 20 followers

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Getting a pep talk from the foil lid of a zero fat yoghurt does rather sum up much that is wrong with the world.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "So, the pope had a lady friend" Ma snorted "You had a lady friend once!"
"Yes, but it didn't take" Dad chipped in

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't mind these ghastly people proposing to each other" said Dad "but must they do it over my Rice Krispies?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I hope my bedroom won't get a digital makeover when I'm gone" Ma said "You might find that missing saucer, mind"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues For a non-believer having someone pray for you is like them giving you a chocolate teapot which they then piss in.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "That vicar always had a holier-than-thou attitude when it came to respecting other people's beliefs" tutted Ma.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm sure I spotted a twinkle in the parcel courier's eye as he shoved a card through my letterbox and sneaked away
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "£5 is a lot" I replied "but I might be able to rub together a couple of thruppenny bits if I rummage in my purse"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "You are Alan Bennett, & I claim my £5!" she shouted, losing both her decorum & her place in the Post Office queue

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma thought she knew all about ripples coming from a black hole having seen Dad putting on his pants in the morning

All these symbols & hieroglyphs that mean you have to go wrong & then try to work out how to fix it. What's wrong with just using words?
(That started out as another #NewAlanBennettMonologues suggestion, but, ironically, all got rather too wordy...)

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I look around enviously at the toast racks on other tables before using that fatal phrase "Brown bread, please"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues My head spins at the giddy excitement of whether to go for a spoonful of Nescafe, or to dunk a PG bag into my mug.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I survey my bowl of Bran Flakes gloomily, remembering a time when I could choose to eat CocoPops with wild abandon

#NewAlanBennettMonologues One of the small woes of life is that Forest Fruit yogurts aren't more widely available, & settling for strawberry

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "The surprise isn't that a sexist, bigoted xenophobe gets votes, but that people are at all surprised by it."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If that man wins" exclaimed Grandma "I'm never going to America again!"
"You said that about Leeds" Dad replied.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Tom's fear of being in public places was not assuaged by Mam insisting he wasn't interesting enough to be a target

#NewAlanBennettMonologues All empires end; Some end with a bang, some with something that sounds like a small fart, & with others with both.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "That tenniser found someone who let him breed with her?" marvelled Ted "That's what I call a return of service"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "So, some folk I never see are going to a thing I don't want to go to in another city & you tell me this because?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mam told me she was fed up of spending hours whipping up her batter only for everything to fall out flat later on.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After the leak I found that Steed & Mrs Peel had soggy bottoms, but mostly the film version, so it didn't count.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I don't know which bothered me more; The water dripping from the chimney breast, or the fact I had to move my DVDs

The irony of writing all those #NewAlanBennettMonologues and then finding a stale piece of Cream Cracker under my armchair did not escape me

#NewAlanBennettMonologues It may be tempting to throw celebrities off a mountain, but I think I would still decline to take part in The Jump

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'll never understand how people come to the conclusion that the way to resolve a dispute is to pick up a knife.
(Not remotely whimsical, I know, but... Ah, you know...) :-(
#NewAlanBennettMonologues

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It's peculiar how the news seems to lose its interest in this storm the further north it moves" said Mam, soggily

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "They call that 'football'?" cried Bill "it barely touched their feet once. Our lads never needed armour neither."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Never mention a fabulous plate or marvellous teacup do they?" said Ted. He'd once come home unexpectedly in '44.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad came home from work claiming to have been lashed by Imogen. Mam raised a sceptical eyebrow, but said nothing.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Of course, I might suggest to Dave" said Mam, pithily "that the best way to reform prisons is from the inside..."

"I'll always remember the day when Alan Bennett entered a #NewAlanBennettMonologues competition & only managed to come fourteenth" he sighed

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Those idiots who thought Mrs T was the most influential woman obviously never met your Great Aunt Mabel" said Dad

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ethel discretely emerged from the waiting room lavatory absolutely livid at the merest notion of a paperless NHS.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm reliably informed that I had been introduced to the strange & weird world of vlogging. I shan't be returning.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Looking for an old TV show, I clicked the wrong link & got a child's face shouting at me. I tolerated 4 seconds.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I saw what passed for outrage in France in 1968" said Ma "Pierre just shrugged forlornly & poured another Pernod"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Your grandma's bed-blocking again" said Ma, looking up "& it's costing us a fortune in trays of tea and biscuits"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada paused; Without the affirmation of others her opinions meant nothing. Happily a red flag pinged & she went on.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "So that chap ran away because someone might do to him what he wanted to do to them?" asked Ma "Typical bully..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "There's no way he's getting a 'Celebration of Life' ceremony" said Ma "He can have a funeral like the rest of us"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian sadly accepted that he'd not have got the job anyway, given that he only rode a bike & had no F•R•I•E•N•D•S

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Having lost her disability car and her local bus service, Ada asked Tom to weld a rocket motor to her wheelchair.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I never go to the theatre on Sundays anyway" sniffed Vera "it's always far more convenient to go during worktime"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma never understood why Dad wanted to lock himself in the cellar to stop himself from being locked in the shed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If Dave keeps finding spare billions down the back of the sofa" Dad mused "I may begin to doubt his integrity "

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "So, about 6 Music reaching a record audience" said Ma "you'd think they'd use a CD or something even more modern"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad put on a polo neck and tried climbing through the window to deliver mum's chocolates. She called the police.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Now that Lord Lucan was officially dead, Dave at the chip shop announced that he would be regrowing his moustache.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I did want to tell everyone about that article on early risers, but, well, unfortunately it was in the Daily Mail.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma decided that she wanted to put an emergency brake on Dad's benefits. On the whole, he wasn't too impressed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The decision not to relocate the Olympics to Leeds came down to Duran Duran refusing to rewrite the theme song.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma looked outside & claimed another victory for the grass roots. Dad, bowing to the inevitable, went to the shed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues So, it turns out that the best way to get a drink out of a footballer isn't to stick your fingers down his throat.

(I know that it's an old Douglas Adams line, but it seemed appropriate today...)

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Some famous folk die so often online that when they finally do actually depart, you can't be certain they meant it

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm seldom drawn in by clickbait" Ma told Maud over the fence "but sometimes something really breaks the biscuit"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian wondered if he could claim for emotional loss when he got home to find no Gipsy Creams in the biscuit barrel

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I spent quite some time trying to make an amusing link between wind warnings & the Iowa caucus but it lacks whimsy

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm not sure I trust Gene editing; Not since he spelt all of the names wrong on the place cards at his wedding.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ringo's circle of friends didn't have much imagination when it came to nicknames said his pals Trouserso & Jumpero

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad couldn't help himself. The name "Anita Harris" always made him chuckle; He'd try to hide it by nibbling cheese.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues It's hard to imagine the plucky defenders of Castle HSBC digging a moat and pouring pouring oil over the parapets.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"The UK's the world's worst at breastfeeding" I said
"Don't you start!" Ma replied
We both stared at the fridge

I do wonder if anyone's considered performing all of #NewAlanBennettMonologues as a play? The Yorkshire Surrealists perhaps?

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Dash it all" he announced "Replacing this garden parasol can't possibly wait until morning!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After finding out his local store would no longer open 24 hours, Bob started binge-shopping in the late evening.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "British PM, 1st letter D, last letter I - I know, I'll ask my phone & pretend I knew it all along" scowled Brian.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I know that Chris Packham has a stomach bug" said Maud "but I hope he doesn't try to show us any stool samples"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Hearing the winning ticket had turned up, Ma felt very foolish for standing in the shop with a bus ticket & a biro

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I did once discover that Leeds to Halifax was a farthing cheaper if I went via Blackpool, but felt it too risky.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"A free book for every reader!" Dad exclaimed excitedly.
"The charity shop'll be full of them by Easter" said Ma.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not against diversity" said Maud, sourly picking out a Jelly Baby "I just happen to only like the green ones"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian looked at his tax return; "I wonder if I offered to buy George a Starbucks that might cover it?" he mused.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I've got an offer here for 25% off indoor furniture" said Bob "or, as we used to call it, 'furniture'..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not sure I even know what an apple safari is" muttered Brian "in my day I think we called it scrumping..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma paused "It's one of life's mysteries" she said "Like who these people are who buy new sofas all of the time..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Of all the possible methods of removing a dead whale from a beach" said Tom "I never even thought of a bulldozer"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues 

"Mind you," she added, "some of these politicos could do with a mattress tax if you ask me..."

Dad just winced.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Now they've failed with the bedroom tax" said Ma "I wouldn't put it past these buggers to try a Front Door tax!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't understand" said Ma "when that nice Springwatch team occupy a wildlife sanctuary it never ends like this"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I do fret that, when I depart this veil of tears, the notes on my fridge will be published as a lost manuscript."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues 

"Just off to powder my nose" said Maud, coyly.

"Might as well have a crap while you're at it" Grandma replied.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I have days when I think that I've won something" Tom said "then it turns out someone's put my jeans in the wash"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad said he'd do his public apologies now in case he ever thought anything that could be considered controversial.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After King Tut, Ma accused Dad of delusions of grandeur when he accidentally superglued his chin to the workbench

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't think that I'm in favour of opting out of the EU" mused Eduardo "I like to have a full set of vowels."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The teacher stifling a titter as I burbled on about the bosom's mate is one of my fondest junior school memories.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues ...you see I'd only ever seen a word like that in the song "Rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham" at Sunday School

#NewAlanBennettMonologues At school I once read out the word bosom instead of bosun in a lifeboat story, & the police never questioned me...

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I've decided to repaint the front door" Dad announced. Ma asked if that might make matters worse next halloween.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It ought to be common sense that the kid meant 'terraced'" said Bob before returning to his own semi-detoxed home

#NewAlanBennettMonologues And so, having decided not to trust anyone on Earth, the Americans found a whole new planet to fear invasion from.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The words Palin & Trump drifted across the night air. "Your Dad will have to rebuild the shed again" Ma tutted.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues When they show Your Snow Pictures on the local news, why do they only use the ones where kids have got in the way?

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I know I'm not in a good place" said Dave "when that big-eyed kid in the Virgin adverts scares me half to death"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I can't even keep claiming it's the Day the Music Died any more" said Dave "Not now he's been arrested too..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It's not that the pollsters got it wrong exactly" said Tom sagely "just that they can't spot liars like we can"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not surprised MI5 is a gay-friendly employer" said Ma "but I'd have thought they'd have had better curtains"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It might be a heck of a band they're forming in the hereafter" said Geoff sadly "but I still don't want a ticket"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Audrey felt suddenly alarmed when she found that 99% of the toilet roll was held by the cubicle that she wasn't in

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian was bidding for a Chieftain Tank on eBay but Mabel doubted that it would be considered "reasonable force"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Going back indoors because your chum has water in his helmet sounds a pretty poor excuse to me" said Tom pithily.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Vera hasn't been able to eat Golden Syrup ever since someone mentioned that it reminded her of Donald Trump.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Of course, Jeremy's one big advantage" said Ma, sipping at her tea, "is that he's quite simply not David..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues As an ageing punk, Vince was quite looking forward to the whole country singing "Pretty Vacant" as its new anthem.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I accidentally selected "incognito window" on my laptop and it felt just like putting net curtains in the pantry.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I've had enough of high water..." said Ma, mopping out the attic "...but now they want to bill me for it...?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Deep in a dark COBRA bunker, David was busily trying to work out how to blame the latest crisis on the unions..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Don't tell Lego" Ada whispered "but I think my grandson is using his bricks to show he's in favour of the strike"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Father looked up from his paper "'Work starts to avoid strike...' Talk about stating the bleedin' obvious..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Economics..." Ma sighed "Told me to cut down on Christmas then supermarkets complain that we didn't spend enough"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma decided to go up to level four and declared that it was much like level one but with more exceptional views.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "On the bright side" said Ma "Having found each other, at least they're not making two other people unhappy..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma declared a teatime "major incident" - Her teapot was as full as expected but there was no-one there to drink it

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad threw aside the paper in disgust. "If they ring, that's another reason why we're not getting Sky television!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "That engagement will never last" Ma said sourly "I can see what he sees in her, but unfortunately, so will she."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues He'd been around so long even I'd heard of this Gavin Towie bloke. I hope Thora greets him with a nice cup of tea.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud sipped her tea. "I thought that the word 'amendment' meant that you COULD actually change things" she said.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad came home from the android factory after a hard day on the Roy Batty production line shocked it was only 2016.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma saw one of those person-carrying drones on the news & immediately said "Yes, I'm never getting in one of those"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian was busy setting up his stereo speakers to play over the fence to stop the neighbour's children misbehaving.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Living on the edge again at my age!" Ada whispered to herself as she smiled and laced another cup of coffee.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"The Flying Scotsman is back on the rails again" said Jim
"I hope they'll find a train to put him in" Tom replied

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "'A toilet you only clean once a year'" tutted Ma sourly "or, as your father calls it, 'a toilet'..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "As a mother" said mother "I always mistrust anyone who starts a sentence with 'As a mother'..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues As the last of the lad's magazines headed into oblivion, Brian decided to check whether his iPhone was waterproof.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma's simple solution to Cologne: "Never trust anyone wearing too much aftershave" she said, staring daggers at Dad.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Funny how these 'dangerous risks' to the economy weren't mentioned last April..." said Maud, significantly.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Now that another nutter had the H-Bomb, Tom decided to get rid of his vegetable patch and start building a bunker.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After realising the odds of winning the lottery, dad went outside to try and get hit by some meteorites.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud wondered aloud whether she would feel either more or less safe if everyone on her street owned a pistol.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Once again" Tom said knowingly "a cricket team demonstrating just how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory" 

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I tried explaining to Ma about the black hole burping gas, but she just looked at Grandma and sent me to my room.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After insisting Dad did a cabinet reshuffle, Mam did nothing but complain that her favourite tea set got smashed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Another year without an honour" Mavis sighed "I wonder if I'll ever get a chance to politely turn them down...?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "There's some fool in waders on the doorstep" said Dad "trying to tell me the country's sinking due to immigrants"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada couldn't understand why she was being evacuated whilst all of these reporters seemed to be moving in.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Hearing that Frank was coming, Ma decided she'd better hide the family silver, or, as we knew it, the teaspoon.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "You have to admire Cynthia's restraint" Maud said "She left it 3 whole days before listing her presents on eBay"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Remind me never to misuse the phrase 'open the floodgates' again" said Terry, emptying out his wellies.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After adjusting his snorkel and flippers, Geoffrey tucked his bat under his arm and headed out to the crease.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Bloody weather!" David shook a fist at the sky "Now I'll have to visit the wretched north again...!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "By the sound of that wind out there" Ada said "there must have been quite a run on the brassicas yesterday..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Having queued since four o'clock in the morning, dad returned triumphant with his newsapaper & a "bargain" cabbage

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Looking at the remains of her garden, I said that the hunt had been through. Tapping her hearing aid, gran agreed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud wasn't convinced by Tom's idea of leftovers for lunch as she picked a dog-end out of her glass of flat shandy

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "They made 'ow much from parking?" Geoff asked, mentally calculating how many minis the front lawn could hold.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Not much of a one for world news, Ethel's ears suddenly pricked up when she heard the words "Upright Rocket"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Worried about alcohol poisoning, Tom repaired to the shed to whip up another batch of his notorious Old Dirigible.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It'd take more than a bottle of Blue Nun & a bag of Ready Salted to get me doing a conga" Ma said as Maud sped by

#NewAlanBennettMonologues They found Tom & Ada dancing stark naked on the municipal bandstand claiming they were celebrating the solstice.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If your father got an eight-year ban from football" mother said "I might finally get those shelves put up."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Having a Miss Universe contest & only involving one species is rather like having a World Series in one country.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "So..." Gran asked over dinner "Isn't fracking just the same as deep coal mining, only with Borrowers...?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "This Footsie Blanket is ridiculous" said Ma, reaching for a Custard Cream, "it's like nobody ever invented socks"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I may know next to nothing about footballing..." Ma said "but even I've heard of this Morris Marina chappie..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Impatient with his pacifist son, Brian said "I doubt it'd have been so popular if they'd called it Star Lovelies!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Now that Shaun fellow has cornered the market in movie sidekicks" Mark asked "Whatever became of his sidekick?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm sick of these news items making references to Star Wars to try to seem topical" I said, trying to be topical.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues 

"If they put any more turbines in that field, it'll take off" said Tom. 

"But it'll stop it flooding" Dan replied.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues On hearing about Sam's plans for a wind farm, Doris looked at Grandad & asked "Do we really need any more wind?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It's got wheels!" said Jeff "That thing's a hoverboard in much the same way as my Morris Traveller is a hovercar"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Oh, Donald..." Mother sighed "They don't ALL want to kill you... At least no more than anybody else does..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues " The 'Star' part I can tolerate, it's the 'Wars' bit that I have a problem with..." said Mabel, wistfully.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Do you think my little tale might have been more popular if I'd set it in a spaceship & made it into a war film?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Admiring the new water feature in his garden, nobody knew that he was actually fracking underneath the Town Hall.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Hmm" said mother, reaching for another chocolate finger "Clarence House must be running short on toilet paper..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Ee, these designers" sighed Ma, spilling her tea "They do like to change things just when I've got used to them!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "At least Tim's got his rocket up" said Sis. "Go to your room!" shouted Dad, then adding "On 2nd thoughts, don't!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Actors!" tutted Madge bitterly "Always blathering on like they're not completely replaceable...!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues George wanted to make a pithy remark about the necessity of pain relief in Australia, but thought better of it.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Sam had Shaker Maker as a child & presumed it had been locked up for crimes against interesting Christmas presents

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "On the whole" Jim said "I prefer to experience the latest films when they come on TV and with commercial breaks."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If your father took that long to get a draught sorted" said Ma, pithily, "I'd have got a handyman in by now..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dorothy's attempts to copyright the word "cake" and the number "8" made her few friends down at the W.I.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada wanted him to get on with it but Stan decided to delay a decision on that 3rd flower bed & stayed in the shed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I understand what Dame Sally is saying" sniffed Maud, reaching for a scone "but is she implying that I'm portly?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't imagine they asked the dog whether she wanted to be a mother" Ma said looking pointedly at my brother & I

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "However you look at it" said Ma "going through life toothless is better than the option he gave the other fellow"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Think on" said Dad "one day you may come in & find me dead in this chair"
"Put some trousers on then" Ma replied.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After years as an MD, the decision of choosing between a scone & a macaroon felt like a bit of a comedown to Bert.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Now Stan could stop singing "Hoppy Birdie Two Ewes" at birthday parties due to worrying about the copyright fees.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"I see they've chosen the Person Of The Year" I said.
"Time will tell whether they come to regret it" Ma replied.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Well, vicar" Ma said "people do like to conveniently forget that their own religion has blood on its hands. Tea?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I might disagree with the stuff that boxer says" Dan said "but I'm certainly not going to be the one to tell him"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Now that petrol was getting to be cheaper than water, Brian's home-brew was starting to look even more promising.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Now the losing football results wouldn't be published Tom sighed & wondered what he would put in his scrapbook now

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Staring at his burnt slice of toast, Jim began to wonder what the food might really be like on planet Nigella...

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "You may think the American is an unelectable buffoon" Jim warned us "but never forget London voted for Boris...!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "You're not made of sugar. You won't melt!" said Grandad, before swimming out of the attic window to get his paper

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian wondered whether the lack of power had anything to do with the trip switch as water lapped over his wellies

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't know about Arnie" said Mam "but if I try to get your dad to eat more veg, his gas emissions increase..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Power-seekers pick a group for the ignorant to blame & fear" said Ma "I'm picking 'Politicians beginning with D'"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Nominative determinism..." Stan muttered darkly into his bitter "that fellow Trump does it from both ends...!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I thought that there were some things that even Bonio wouldn't do" said Mabel "but this really takes the biscuit"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Realising that the country actually was a sinking ship, David finally decided to put that down-payment on a yacht.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Finding out that France had moved to the right, Jim was grateful that he still relied on maps instead of a sat-nav

#NewAlanBennettMonologues As she watched her sofa float off down the lane, Maud was grateful she'd paid the extra for a waterproof coating.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I thought it was a mistake to buy Ma a cheap hoverboard but never expected her to try jumping off the roof with it

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud decided she'd better return that overdue copy of "The Long Walk To Freedom" just in case the rules changed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Sorry I'm late" Ma said "I asked a Creative Director the best way to go & it took me three weeks to get here..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Hearing kids had broken the glass of the nursery greenhouses, Stan relaxed "My cold frame seems safer now" he said

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Our school bully used to punch all of us "just in case" but it didn't help him on the day he "fell" off the roof.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If they chose that as the film of the year" I sighed "Just how bored must this National Film Board have been...?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If you fear life's lost its sparkle" tutted Maud "The thing to do is hang on & make everybody else miserable..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues David got punched on the nose by Brian. This surprised him as only the week before he'd set fire to Brian's house.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After realising he'd misheard the word "gaze", Angry John decided not to send his letter of complaint to Radio 4.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Hannibal decided to invite a sumo wrestler round for dinner "Just for scientific research" he explained, politely.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Tom came home excited over the once-in-a-lifetime deal he'd got; "Put it over there with the other 6" Ma told him.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues When everyone else's solution to the problem had failed, cousin Dave's solution was to do exactly the same thing.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud feuded for years with Mabel over not receiving the apology that she refused to give anyway...

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Barry withdrew his bid on the sculpture when someone pointed out that it wasn't an original work by Roger Moore.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues My dentist always tunes the receiver in her surgery to "X-Radio" but then leaves the room whenever it comes on.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Over the Atlantic it's Thanksgiving Day" said Stan, whilst giving his gathered family a look of unbridled hatred.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mam decided to make a U-turn on her unpopular "one lump maximum" sugar policy which went down quite well at the WI

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Uncle Jim thought about bidding on a dinosaur skeleton; "I thought it might make a nice toast rack" he explained.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues When I was a small boy, mother served us undercooked sausages so regularly that I really began to fear the wurst.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad threw down his right-wing rag; "1 in 5 Brit Dustbins' Sympathy for Keir Hardie!" he raged. Time for his pills.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I might very well cringe if the Lord's Prayer came on in the cinema but then I also cringe through the perfume ads

#NewAlanBennettMonologues 
"Ada certainly likes Jim's wine" I said.
"Not so keen on his snoring, mind" Ma added, nibbling at her Jaffa Cake.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues 
"I hear Cousin Daniel has got a drone" I said.
"More of an annoying whine" Ma replied, sipping at her Earl Grey.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I wouldn't put it past these genii to maintain that 98% in a ballot still doesn't represent a mandate" said Doc.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "7 years to work out that failed bankers shouldn't bank" tutted Ma "They must have judged the cakes at our fete"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Always assumed 'You're so vain' was about your uncle Ron" said Dad, knowing that his tea was now going in the bin

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "At least if the PM has his own plane" said Jim "the rest of us won't have to put up with him at baggage reclaim"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If they get around to naming a storm after your cousin Ken" Ma said "don't you worry, it'll amount to nothing..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I swept up one of that John Lennon's plectrums at the Leeds Hippodrome once" said Ma "I wonder what it's worth?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Alf was shocked to be called a Binge-watcher. "Oh, I thought you had a cold" he said, deleting his browser history

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Fascist Bob had little sympathy for the stranded tourists; "Shove 'em in boats like the rest" he said. We cringed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"I don't like today; It's all bangs & flashers"
"You mean flashes" I replied
"I know what I mean!" Maud twinkled.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Uncle Fred bucked up when he heard the word of the year*, until he realised that his Hearing Aid wasn't switched on
* "Binge-watch" (with a B)

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't see why the National Grid has a supply problem" said Mabel "the National Gutters seem to be overflowing"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Clive decided to solve his snack craving problem by buying a bar of Cadbury's Whole Nut and a box of raisins.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mam was worried about her online activity being watched until I told her it wasn't about her bloomers on wash day.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It's like all of those Valentine's Days cards that never happened have suddenly all come at once…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I see that I've suddenly been inundated with love hearts" said Brian "Like an explosion in a Swizzels factory…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Keith was pleased to find there'd be another 'Star Trek' because it meant all of these new ideas didn't matter.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian bucked up when he heard Margaret Thatcher's wardrobe was still available, knowing Guy Fawkes Night was near.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If you always had to apologise for saying 'sod off'..." said Mam "Your grandfather would have never shut up…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If that musical hobbit is 'raring to go'" said Mam, nibbling on some fruit cake "He could, of course, just go…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Of course it's Bennett with two Teas" said Ma down the phone "Like your Auntie Mabel always insists on having…"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues The school just rang to tell me that Jim's final report will be ready next June. He'll be 48 by then of course.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma looked thoughtful "They only want everyone to leave that Duchess alone so that that can be exclusively hateful"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not sure I want an Icelandic volcano attached to my gas pipes" said Maud "What if I want to go on holiday?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The news that Phil Collins was no longer retired did at least get a ripple of applause at the Musician's Rest Home

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Pat was particularly concerned about puffins becoming endangered because his customers found them so very tasty.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If there's any justice" I said "the Morecambe MP's house will be the 1st thing to fall down a fracking sinkhole"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother paused & looked over at the radio "I can see why they don't call it Prime Minister's Answers" she sniffed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Jeremy was wondering about those losses announced by Volkswagen. "Have they tried looking in the boot?" he asked.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not sure I like this Aussie Ex-PM talking to us about border control" said Maud "After all, we let him in…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "A probe's going to sweep over Saturn's moon!" I cried. "These enquiries are always just a cover-up" replied Jim

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I mentioned the M&S leaks to Mam but she didn't seem bothered. "I get ours from Ted the greengrocer. Far cheaper."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Halloween wasn't like this in my day" said mother "we just used to burn a virgin and that was the end of it…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Well, that's a turnip for the book" Ada's groceries got squashed by a van but she only thought of her collection.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm quite excited about Blackstar" said Kevin "if it means that I can order videotapes through the post again..."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I knew that your mother was trying to kill me" said father, glancing suspiciously towards his ham sandwiches.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Well, as my Auntie Delilah always used to say, 'empty testes make most noise!'" boomed Brian across the cafe.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mavis sipped her tea & wondered whether she could get a car company to take responsibility for her burnt macaroons

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I tried bringing in 'my house votes for my house rules' at home" Uncle Stan said "but your Aunt Ada vetoed me..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I could save £70 a year just by hiding that piggy bank" muttered Dad, carefully trying not to catch Mam's eye.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "The chap who paid a surprise visit to the Russian President" asked Ada "Did he leap out of a cupboard with cake?'

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Ron, painting a 1985 Ford Escort silver neither makes it a classic nor an antique." "Or a Time Machine!" I added.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The shop sold me some past-their-use-by-date Creme Eggs on Back To The Future Day. The flavour was much improved.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I asked the newsagent whether, considering what day it was, he'd charge me 1985 prices. I departed, disappointed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Did we really have such big hair and shoulder pads back then?" asked Mavis "...or have we all got a bit fatter?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I wouldn't want to go back to 1985" said Ada "though, if I did, I might stock up on proper-sized Club biscuits"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mam's quite worried about the nuclear plant deal;  she saw a film in the 1950s & hasn't trusted a vegetable since.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad went off to see "Jaws 19" on his hoverboard, but he's never got used to the lack of scones in this timeline.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Coming back from the pictures, Stan asked for his cocoa shaken not stirred. It took all week to clean the kitchen.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Arthur came home from the steelworks and broke all Mabel's best China. "It only seemed fair" was all he ever said.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Well, if he doesn't want his whip any more, I could find a use for it" said Maud, looking at Frank enigmatically.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Remember only one sugar lump for everyone" said Auntie "otherwise, once this sugar tax comes in, we'll be broke!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't know why you're so keen to get those film tickets" said Ma "it'll be on TV every Christmas until you die"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I grew up with the North-South divide" grumbled Uncle Stan "Didn't know it meant the whole ruddy planet!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother told me she'd blocked my passport to protect customs officers from having to look at the ghastly photograph

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ethel's taken to amusing herself by drawing brown spots all over Frank's arm whenever he nods off in the chair.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mabel tried ordering one of these phone-controlled taxis, but the wire wouldn't let her get beyond her wheelie bin

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "What's Glad doing getting into Hip-Op at her age?' asked Ada, sipping at her tea "We're all big Trance fans here"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother's eyes glazed over, fondly remembering those long past days before Alistair Cook started his innings…

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I think I saw "Thora Hird is Fat" spelled out in tea towels in the background of a "Last of the Summer Wine" once.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Well, at least next time he'll be able to look through the bathroom door first..." muttered Mavis, darkly.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Norman's unsuccessful Die Hard script involved John McClane battling some undergarment salesmen in a Wakefield B&B

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian was so relieved that nobody noticed that he once wrote "Amos smells" on the toilet wall of the Woolpack Inn.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues"That Boris should only play with people his own size" said Mavis.
"If he can find any…" replied Mother, tartly.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Tom was fretting because he'd not mentioned the Jaffa Cakes to his ex-wife and only offered her Custard Creams.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada's friends have been dropping like flies since it turned out Bridge wasn't a sport & they all took up jogging.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I explained to mother that my Man Booker invite didn't mean fake policemen would be stripping in the living room. (She seemed disappointed)

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Old Maud had several wise old sayings - "He'd rather steal a basket than pay a bob for a bag" comes to mind.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I finally took Mam to the opticians when she threw my cap on the fire because she'd been reading about hat crimes.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mam seemed unduly worried about negative inflation, but only because she'd bought some balloons for Frank's party.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I rang the BBC suggesting that they try the "Great British Quiet Night In" but they thought it was a bit too edgy.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I only used to buy it for the articles anyway" said father, whilst quietly cancelling his Playboy subscription.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I told what I thought was a joke, but it turned out that it wasn't very funny, & for that I must humbly apologise.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud was insulted that the WI called her a master baker after she went to all the effort of showing them her buns.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Keith told me he was saving himself a fortune by buying carrier bags in packs of twenty at Poundland…

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "You never believed me, did you dear?" said Ma "When I told you I'd had that Fancy Smith nibbling at my nethers.."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I can see Mr Peston doing well at ITV" said Ma, dunking a Bourbon cream "They can slip adverts into his pauses."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Social mobility?" spluttered mother tartly "If he thinks that I'm moving into a caravan, he's very mistaken…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mabel was furious with the supermarket because they now needed to check she had actually brought her own bags.(I know this one lacks "whimsy" - it just happens to be irritatingly true…)

@LindaAtkins642 Maybe, but it has allowed you to use the word whimsy. Let's start a campaign to put whimsy back in our lives.

(It's true do so like a little whimsy… I'm also quite fond of "follysome" but I rather fear that ship has sailed.) - That's a bit "Bennetty", too, I suspect…)

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "They want to get a record number of millionaires in one place" Ma said. "Isn't parliament in recess?" I replied.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If I have to work til I'm 100 I don't know what I'll do" I said
"Finally understand a woman's lot?" replied Emily