CAIRO - 1945, 1965, 2010

That strange moment when you discover three generations of your own family travelled to more-or-less the same spot... and you were pretty much totally unaware of at least some of it ever happening.

Top left is my father standing close to the Sphinx, I think just after the war ended, in 1945. The main picture is the one my Grandfather took during their (second) cruise on the SS "Canberra" in the summer of 1965. Top right is my own snapshot, taken during our flying visit to Giza in March 2010.

Strangely enough, whilst I knew Dad was in Cairo in 1945, I did not know that my Grandparents went there at all until I read the label on that big box of slides towards the end of last week. They did have a "coffee table" book about Egypt (which I still have, somewhere...) but the fact that they'd been was something I knew nothing about.

Such a chatty bunch, eh?

Of course I am particularly jealous that he was allowed to take pictures inside the Museum of Antiquities in 1965, because in 2010 this was very much forbidden - although, given that he only took five, maybe they weren't then, either.

That said, five photographs in the age of slide film in manual cameras is probably equivalent to the fifty-plus I'd probably shoot off in no time whatsoever on a digital one when photographing anything at all - no matter how mundane - these days.

Those five pictures that my Grandfather took, of course, I will share with you all at some other time.

Another point of minor interest that I have realised from the admittedly meagre labels, is that, by going on this cruise, they missed my first birthday, which is kind of fair enough. After all, by popping into the world when I did the previous year they were able to know that I had already arrived before setting off to Southampton for their first go on that renowned vessel.

Overall, I think that both times they probably made the correct decision. I don't think that the sort of family gatherings for the slightest of occasions that occur nowadays were quite the done thing back then and, to be perfectly frank with you, given our experiences in later years, I can't imagine any of us would have preferred things to have been any different.

GRANDAD'S SLIDES (1) - THREE RANDOM SLIDES

So, the scanner arrived a little earlier than expected and, because it was there, it only seemed sensible to try it out, and so I opened the unmarked wooden box and found three loose slides just lying around on the top of all the others.

These three slides were probably just the extra ones that wouldn't fit neatly inside the 100 slots that this particular selection of glass mounted slides was in. One of the glass holders for these three was  broken, so this seemed a good place to start experimenting...

Anyway, scan number one was of a street scene "Somewhere in Europe" and is made all the more perky because of the fact that it contains some rather wonderful old cars. As you can see, I hadn't yet worked out the best way to get the frame to line up with the scanner, and so half of the image is missing. At this point, I have to admit that I was slightly disappointed by the image on the screen on the scanner itself, and was seriously suspecting that I had been sold a pup. However, after I had eventually zapped these three images, I whipped out the SD card and plugged it into the side of the telly and was, quite frankly, rather impressed at the results, which means, of course, that now I am rather doomed (sorry "committed") to proceeding with the project.

Anyway, slide number two seems to be a rather jolly picture of Nice-Cote D'Azur airport taken at some point in the mid-to late 1960s, or perhaps earlier. Like I mentioned earlier, this particular box is unmarked in terms of date and location, and, because they've all been remounted inside glass slide mounts, the cardboardy surround bit (which - as I now know from my explorations - is usually date stamped for the processing) is also missing. Anyway, the upshot of all this is that I suspected I was about to be exposed to a hundred photographs of the south of France taken at some point during the 1960s.

I was wrong about this.

The next picture was between the two pieces of shattered glass in a broken slide mount. This appears to be an interior of an airport, and I can only assume that it is the same one. In the background is a rather impressive silver Caravelle (?) parked at the gate, although one of the shortcomings of the scanner that I've yet to explore is how to adjust the tones so that the stuff in the background is clearer than the stuff in the foreground, assuming that I can.

Anyway, later on, I removed the film from  the broken mount and I scanned it again using the negative tray and got a cleaner scan of it that didn't have any of the broken glass lines. Again, the aircraft in the background remains indistinct, but the image itself is a fascinating (well, to me anyway) insight into how international travel has changed during the last half century or so. Not least because those chairs are just so darned cool.

Interestingly enough, it was at this point that I dug out the rather magnificent Hanimex "Hanorama" personal slide viewer that was also amongst the collection of my Grandfather's photographic stuff and had another look at the slide.

And yes, that Caravelle really is a thing of beauty, even though modern technology seems determined to deprive you from seeing it. I even tried taking a picture of the slide inside the viewer using my Teffalone, but that was a stupid idea, too, given that I was trying to juggle three things in two hands, and it has a tendency towards the bleach, too, unless you can adjust the screen with that fourth hand that I also didn't have.

Still, I think it made for a (slightly) interesting photo in itself, though, and also shows what the eye doesn't see when you're looking through one of these things.

Anyway, with renewed confidence, I returned to photograph number one and, hopefully more successfully, managed to scan the whole of that initial street scene, which now includes my Grandmother sliding out of frame bottom left in order to, presumably, slip into another little shop full of souvenirs.

Once I set about scanning the contents of the actual box, it became apparent that this was not a picture taken in France at all, but the entire set seemed to be pictures from various parts of Italy, and I can only assume that this was another cruise that required the passengers to depart from Nice after flying there.

So there we are. Early evidence of the International Jet-Set lifestyle of Grandma and Grandpa, in the days when such things were far less common than they are now. It certainly looks as if they had one heck of a retirement plan, and, with that in mind, I'll start boring you with their holiday snaps sometime soon.

We'll start with Italy, some time in the 1960s...

NEW PROJECT

Today, I am as pleased as I ever can be to be able to announce a (not very) exciting new project in that, after much procrastination and general dilly-dallying (unless, of course, those are both entirely the same thing), I've decided to order myself a negative and slide scanner in order to finally set about going through my grandfather's (relatively) vast selection of slides and, perhaps (if I don't get too bored or distracted), then set about going through my own negatives from the dawn of time and get the lot archived.

Grandad's slides have sat in a number of boxes since he died in 1980, and, since we cleared out my grandparent's house as my grandmother moved into her last home way back in 1988, they have moved along with me but they have rarely seen the light of day since. I do have his old projector and screen, and even one of those hand-held backlit viewers, but have rarely sat down and looked through them with any commitment.

Anyway, I reckon it's about time I did something with them, and the opportunity to "digitise" them is probably one that is too good to miss. After all, there's a better chance that they'll get looked at if they're in an "easy to view" format online.

On the whole, I don't imagine that they'll be of all that much interest, really. Lots of snapshots of long-dead people who I never knew and certainly won't recognise, but my grandparents did go on several holiday cruises during the late 1950s and early 1960s, and I imagine that his record of some of the places they went to might be of more general interest.

He was an odd cove, though. His filing system leaves a lot to be desired. I suspect that he knew what the labels meant and consequently thought that this would be more than adequate. Unfortunately, labelling your photographs with a year and just the name of the ship is unlikely, I imagine, to help with identifying many of the places, so I suspect that we're likely to be setting out on a very enlightening voyage of discovery as we go along.

And let's face it… Other people's holiday snaps can be as dull as ditchwater, and when you're as removed from the source as we all are (and you, dear reader, especially), the chances are that this is unlikely to be all that thrilling an experience for any of us.

That said, a wise man once said (or was it just me?) that the one thing that turns a banal photograph into an interesting one is time, so, well, you never know. It might be fun looking back on those lost times, smiling faces, and bewildering hats and beachwear.

However it all turns out, I'm unlikely to try to deal with more than one box at a time, so there's little chance of there being too much at a time to bore you, and there's a very, very good chance that I won't be able to get the settings right to get the device I've ordered to actually work at all, so this could all be yet another of Martin's Spectacular Online Follies, or, at the very least, a colossal waste of everyone's time and energy.

Anyway, the kit is yet to show up, and I'm liable to take a while to figure out just how the gizmo I've ordered actually works, so don't hold your breath for any exciting blasts from the past any time soon. (After all, I do have the rather worrying suspicion that I'm only really posting this at all so that I feel that somehow I will ave to make the effort and jolly well do it...)

Do, however (if you feel so inclined) "stay tuned!"

MORE "NEW ALAN BENNETT MONOLOGUES" CONTRIBUTIONS

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Once she heard World War 2 was all down to a tiny knob, Doris insisted on remodelling the kitchen cupboards.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "That nephew of yours is going to have a hard time flying around in 15% of a Eurofighter" said Tom ruefully.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mavis said she'd made up her mind about Europe until she thought about her cheap fortnights on the Costa Brava.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues History tells us we are probably approaching the end of days, but the question is Will there still be Jaffa Cakes?

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I tried to take out some insurance against idiots ruining everything, but the company claimed they already had.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues People with this idealised picture-postcard notion of 1950s "Village" Britain obviously never had to live there.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "The Northern Powerhouse is an act of faith" said the vicar "So praise the Lord & pass round the collection plate"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm thinking of writing to the Oxford English Dictionary to get them to update their definition for "United"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I think I'd like to vote for "Let's try it for a year, see how it goes, and change our minds if we don't like it"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Why leave it at that?" asked Brian "if I could vote for the independent free state of Yorkshire, I would..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The W.I. were not impressed when Maud suggested using only Hermesetas in cakes to get around the sugar tax.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Not very discreet is it?" said Tom "if I wanted to get money by shouting at a box, well... There are other means"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The problem with this Pope/Trump, Trump/Pope spat is that one of them's playing cards & the other's playing chess.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Under the Bronze Age wheel, they also found a card saying "We tried to deliver your wheel but you were out..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Sometimes" shuddered Bob "it's a blessing not to be the sort of chap people send pictures of themselves to..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Realising that laws could be misinterpreted, Brian was disappointed not to get a refund on his library book fine.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dave worried that he knew more about dirty bombs after listening to the Radio 4 news than he'd ever known before.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Barry has spent weeks working out just where anybody famous now featured on what he was calling the "Bowie Scale"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud looked at the Eurovision rule changes and realised that she was going to have to make a lot more sandwiches.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Look at your father" said Mam "Went in for a hernia operation, and they accidentally took all his brains out..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "In my day" huffed Dad "If you did something foolish you tried to hide it, not sell the non-story to a newspaper"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Hearing about the two newly discovered Tolkien poems, Peter was already busily planning another six-movie epic.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada paused, kettle in one hand, tea bag in the other, wondering where all of the high sugar content actually was.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues 
"There's a great big void where one of my BBCs used to be" cried Vera
"Better get used to it" Ma retorted sourly

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Old Tom had to be persuaded that waving his cigarette lighter in the air was unlikely to change any flightpaths.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Bert was rather disappointed to find that leaving Twitter neither bothered the national press nor his 20 followers

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Getting a pep talk from the foil lid of a zero fat yoghurt does rather sum up much that is wrong with the world.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "So, the pope had a lady friend" Ma snorted "You had a lady friend once!"
"Yes, but it didn't take" Dad chipped in

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't mind these ghastly people proposing to each other" said Dad "but must they do it over my Rice Krispies?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I hope my bedroom won't get a digital makeover when I'm gone" Ma said "You might find that missing saucer, mind"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues For a non-believer having someone pray for you is like them giving you a chocolate teapot which they then piss in.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "That vicar always had a holier-than-thou attitude when it came to respecting other people's beliefs" tutted Ma.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm sure I spotted a twinkle in the parcel courier's eye as he shoved a card through my letterbox and sneaked away
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "£5 is a lot" I replied "but I might be able to rub together a couple of thruppenny bits if I rummage in my purse"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "You are Alan Bennett, & I claim my £5!" she shouted, losing both her decorum & her place in the Post Office queue

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma thought she knew all about ripples coming from a black hole having seen Dad putting on his pants in the morning

All these symbols & hieroglyphs that mean you have to go wrong & then try to work out how to fix it. What's wrong with just using words?
(That started out as another #NewAlanBennettMonologues suggestion, but, ironically, all got rather too wordy...)

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I look around enviously at the toast racks on other tables before using that fatal phrase "Brown bread, please"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues My head spins at the giddy excitement of whether to go for a spoonful of Nescafe, or to dunk a PG bag into my mug.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I survey my bowl of Bran Flakes gloomily, remembering a time when I could choose to eat CocoPops with wild abandon

#NewAlanBennettMonologues One of the small woes of life is that Forest Fruit yogurts aren't more widely available, & settling for strawberry

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "The surprise isn't that a sexist, bigoted xenophobe gets votes, but that people are at all surprised by it."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If that man wins" exclaimed Grandma "I'm never going to America again!"
"You said that about Leeds" Dad replied.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Tom's fear of being in public places was not assuaged by Mam insisting he wasn't interesting enough to be a target

#NewAlanBennettMonologues All empires end; Some end with a bang, some with something that sounds like a small fart, & with others with both.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "That tenniser found someone who let him breed with her?" marvelled Ted "That's what I call a return of service"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "So, some folk I never see are going to a thing I don't want to go to in another city & you tell me this because?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mam told me she was fed up of spending hours whipping up her batter only for everything to fall out flat later on.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After the leak I found that Steed & Mrs Peel had soggy bottoms, but mostly the film version, so it didn't count.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I don't know which bothered me more; The water dripping from the chimney breast, or the fact I had to move my DVDs

The irony of writing all those #NewAlanBennettMonologues and then finding a stale piece of Cream Cracker under my armchair did not escape me

#NewAlanBennettMonologues It may be tempting to throw celebrities off a mountain, but I think I would still decline to take part in The Jump

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'll never understand how people come to the conclusion that the way to resolve a dispute is to pick up a knife.
(Not remotely whimsical, I know, but... Ah, you know...) :-(
#NewAlanBennettMonologues

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It's peculiar how the news seems to lose its interest in this storm the further north it moves" said Mam, soggily

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "They call that 'football'?" cried Bill "it barely touched their feet once. Our lads never needed armour neither."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Never mention a fabulous plate or marvellous teacup do they?" said Ted. He'd once come home unexpectedly in '44.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad came home from work claiming to have been lashed by Imogen. Mam raised a sceptical eyebrow, but said nothing.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Of course, I might suggest to Dave" said Mam, pithily "that the best way to reform prisons is from the inside..."

"I'll always remember the day when Alan Bennett entered a #NewAlanBennettMonologues competition & only managed to come fourteenth" he sighed

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Those idiots who thought Mrs T was the most influential woman obviously never met your Great Aunt Mabel" said Dad

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ethel discretely emerged from the waiting room lavatory absolutely livid at the merest notion of a paperless NHS.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm reliably informed that I had been introduced to the strange & weird world of vlogging. I shan't be returning.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Looking for an old TV show, I clicked the wrong link & got a child's face shouting at me. I tolerated 4 seconds.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I saw what passed for outrage in France in 1968" said Ma "Pierre just shrugged forlornly & poured another Pernod"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Your grandma's bed-blocking again" said Ma, looking up "& it's costing us a fortune in trays of tea and biscuits"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada paused; Without the affirmation of others her opinions meant nothing. Happily a red flag pinged & she went on.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "So that chap ran away because someone might do to him what he wanted to do to them?" asked Ma "Typical bully..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "There's no way he's getting a 'Celebration of Life' ceremony" said Ma "He can have a funeral like the rest of us"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian sadly accepted that he'd not have got the job anyway, given that he only rode a bike & had no F•R•I•E•N•D•S

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Having lost her disability car and her local bus service, Ada asked Tom to weld a rocket motor to her wheelchair.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I never go to the theatre on Sundays anyway" sniffed Vera "it's always far more convenient to go during worktime"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma never understood why Dad wanted to lock himself in the cellar to stop himself from being locked in the shed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If Dave keeps finding spare billions down the back of the sofa" Dad mused "I may begin to doubt his integrity "

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "So, about 6 Music reaching a record audience" said Ma "you'd think they'd use a CD or something even more modern"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad put on a polo neck and tried climbing through the window to deliver mum's chocolates. She called the police.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Now that Lord Lucan was officially dead, Dave at the chip shop announced that he would be regrowing his moustache.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I did want to tell everyone about that article on early risers, but, well, unfortunately it was in the Daily Mail.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma decided that she wanted to put an emergency brake on Dad's benefits. On the whole, he wasn't too impressed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The decision not to relocate the Olympics to Leeds came down to Duran Duran refusing to rewrite the theme song.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma looked outside & claimed another victory for the grass roots. Dad, bowing to the inevitable, went to the shed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues So, it turns out that the best way to get a drink out of a footballer isn't to stick your fingers down his throat.

(I know that it's an old Douglas Adams line, but it seemed appropriate today...)

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Some famous folk die so often online that when they finally do actually depart, you can't be certain they meant it

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm seldom drawn in by clickbait" Ma told Maud over the fence "but sometimes something really breaks the biscuit"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian wondered if he could claim for emotional loss when he got home to find no Gipsy Creams in the biscuit barrel

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I spent quite some time trying to make an amusing link between wind warnings & the Iowa caucus but it lacks whimsy

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I'm not sure I trust Gene editing; Not since he spelt all of the names wrong on the place cards at his wedding.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ringo's circle of friends didn't have much imagination when it came to nicknames said his pals Trouserso & Jumpero

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad couldn't help himself. The name "Anita Harris" always made him chuckle; He'd try to hide it by nibbling cheese.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues It's hard to imagine the plucky defenders of Castle HSBC digging a moat and pouring pouring oil over the parapets.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"The UK's the world's worst at breastfeeding" I said
"Don't you start!" Ma replied
We both stared at the fridge

I do wonder if anyone's considered performing all of #NewAlanBennettMonologues as a play? The Yorkshire Surrealists perhaps?

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Dash it all" he announced "Replacing this garden parasol can't possibly wait until morning!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After finding out his local store would no longer open 24 hours, Bob started binge-shopping in the late evening.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "British PM, 1st letter D, last letter I - I know, I'll ask my phone & pretend I knew it all along" scowled Brian.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I know that Chris Packham has a stomach bug" said Maud "but I hope he doesn't try to show us any stool samples"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Hearing the winning ticket had turned up, Ma felt very foolish for standing in the shop with a bus ticket & a biro

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I did once discover that Leeds to Halifax was a farthing cheaper if I went via Blackpool, but felt it too risky.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"A free book for every reader!" Dad exclaimed excitedly.
"The charity shop'll be full of them by Easter" said Ma.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not against diversity" said Maud, sourly picking out a Jelly Baby "I just happen to only like the green ones"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian looked at his tax return; "I wonder if I offered to buy George a Starbucks that might cover it?" he mused.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I've got an offer here for 25% off indoor furniture" said Bob "or, as we used to call it, 'furniture'..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not sure I even know what an apple safari is" muttered Brian "in my day I think we called it scrumping..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma paused "It's one of life's mysteries" she said "Like who these people are who buy new sofas all of the time..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Of all the possible methods of removing a dead whale from a beach" said Tom "I never even thought of a bulldozer"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues 

"Mind you," she added, "some of these politicos could do with a mattress tax if you ask me..."

Dad just winced.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Now they've failed with the bedroom tax" said Ma "I wouldn't put it past these buggers to try a Front Door tax!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't understand" said Ma "when that nice Springwatch team occupy a wildlife sanctuary it never ends like this"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I do fret that, when I depart this veil of tears, the notes on my fridge will be published as a lost manuscript."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues 

"Just off to powder my nose" said Maud, coyly.

"Might as well have a crap while you're at it" Grandma replied.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I have days when I think that I've won something" Tom said "then it turns out someone's put my jeans in the wash"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad said he'd do his public apologies now in case he ever thought anything that could be considered controversial.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After King Tut, Ma accused Dad of delusions of grandeur when he accidentally superglued his chin to the workbench

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't think that I'm in favour of opting out of the EU" mused Eduardo "I like to have a full set of vowels."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The teacher stifling a titter as I burbled on about the bosom's mate is one of my fondest junior school memories.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues ...you see I'd only ever seen a word like that in the song "Rock my soul in the bosom of Abraham" at Sunday School

#NewAlanBennettMonologues At school I once read out the word bosom instead of bosun in a lifeboat story, & the police never questioned me...

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I've decided to repaint the front door" Dad announced. Ma asked if that might make matters worse next halloween.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It ought to be common sense that the kid meant 'terraced'" said Bob before returning to his own semi-detoxed home

#NewAlanBennettMonologues And so, having decided not to trust anyone on Earth, the Americans found a whole new planet to fear invasion from.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The words Palin & Trump drifted across the night air. "Your Dad will have to rebuild the shed again" Ma tutted.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues When they show Your Snow Pictures on the local news, why do they only use the ones where kids have got in the way?

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I know I'm not in a good place" said Dave "when that big-eyed kid in the Virgin adverts scares me half to death"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I can't even keep claiming it's the Day the Music Died any more" said Dave "Not now he's been arrested too..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It's not that the pollsters got it wrong exactly" said Tom sagely "just that they can't spot liars like we can"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not surprised MI5 is a gay-friendly employer" said Ma "but I'd have thought they'd have had better curtains"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It might be a heck of a band they're forming in the hereafter" said Geoff sadly "but I still don't want a ticket"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Audrey felt suddenly alarmed when she found that 99% of the toilet roll was held by the cubicle that she wasn't in

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian was bidding for a Chieftain Tank on eBay but Mabel doubted that it would be considered "reasonable force"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Going back indoors because your chum has water in his helmet sounds a pretty poor excuse to me" said Tom pithily.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Vera hasn't been able to eat Golden Syrup ever since someone mentioned that it reminded her of Donald Trump.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Of course, Jeremy's one big advantage" said Ma, sipping at her tea, "is that he's quite simply not David..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues As an ageing punk, Vince was quite looking forward to the whole country singing "Pretty Vacant" as its new anthem.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I accidentally selected "incognito window" on my laptop and it felt just like putting net curtains in the pantry.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I've had enough of high water..." said Ma, mopping out the attic "...but now they want to bill me for it...?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Deep in a dark COBRA bunker, David was busily trying to work out how to blame the latest crisis on the unions..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Don't tell Lego" Ada whispered "but I think my grandson is using his bricks to show he's in favour of the strike"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Father looked up from his paper "'Work starts to avoid strike...' Talk about stating the bleedin' obvious..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Economics..." Ma sighed "Told me to cut down on Christmas then supermarkets complain that we didn't spend enough"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma decided to go up to level four and declared that it was much like level one but with more exceptional views.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "On the bright side" said Ma "Having found each other, at least they're not making two other people unhappy..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma declared a teatime "major incident" - Her teapot was as full as expected but there was no-one there to drink it

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad threw aside the paper in disgust. "If they ring, that's another reason why we're not getting Sky television!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "That engagement will never last" Ma said sourly "I can see what he sees in her, but unfortunately, so will she."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues He'd been around so long even I'd heard of this Gavin Towie bloke. I hope Thora greets him with a nice cup of tea.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud sipped her tea. "I thought that the word 'amendment' meant that you COULD actually change things" she said.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad came home from the android factory after a hard day on the Roy Batty production line shocked it was only 2016.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma saw one of those person-carrying drones on the news & immediately said "Yes, I'm never getting in one of those"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian was busy setting up his stereo speakers to play over the fence to stop the neighbour's children misbehaving.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Living on the edge again at my age!" Ada whispered to herself as she smiled and laced another cup of coffee.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"The Flying Scotsman is back on the rails again" said Jim
"I hope they'll find a train to put him in" Tom replied

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "'A toilet you only clean once a year'" tutted Ma sourly "or, as your father calls it, 'a toilet'..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "As a mother" said mother "I always mistrust anyone who starts a sentence with 'As a mother'..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues As the last of the lad's magazines headed into oblivion, Brian decided to check whether his iPhone was waterproof.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma's simple solution to Cologne: "Never trust anyone wearing too much aftershave" she said, staring daggers at Dad.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Funny how these 'dangerous risks' to the economy weren't mentioned last April..." said Maud, significantly.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Now that another nutter had the H-Bomb, Tom decided to get rid of his vegetable patch and start building a bunker.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After realising the odds of winning the lottery, dad went outside to try and get hit by some meteorites.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud wondered aloud whether she would feel either more or less safe if everyone on her street owned a pistol.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Once again" Tom said knowingly "a cricket team demonstrating just how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory" 

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I tried explaining to Ma about the black hole burping gas, but she just looked at Grandma and sent me to my room.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After insisting Dad did a cabinet reshuffle, Mam did nothing but complain that her favourite tea set got smashed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Another year without an honour" Mavis sighed "I wonder if I'll ever get a chance to politely turn them down...?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "There's some fool in waders on the doorstep" said Dad "trying to tell me the country's sinking due to immigrants"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada couldn't understand why she was being evacuated whilst all of these reporters seemed to be moving in.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Hearing that Frank was coming, Ma decided she'd better hide the family silver, or, as we knew it, the teaspoon.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "You have to admire Cynthia's restraint" Maud said "She left it 3 whole days before listing her presents on eBay"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Remind me never to misuse the phrase 'open the floodgates' again" said Terry, emptying out his wellies.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After adjusting his snorkel and flippers, Geoffrey tucked his bat under his arm and headed out to the crease.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Bloody weather!" David shook a fist at the sky "Now I'll have to visit the wretched north again...!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "By the sound of that wind out there" Ada said "there must have been quite a run on the brassicas yesterday..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Having queued since four o'clock in the morning, dad returned triumphant with his newsapaper & a "bargain" cabbage

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Looking at the remains of her garden, I said that the hunt had been through. Tapping her hearing aid, gran agreed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud wasn't convinced by Tom's idea of leftovers for lunch as she picked a dog-end out of her glass of flat shandy

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "They made 'ow much from parking?" Geoff asked, mentally calculating how many minis the front lawn could hold.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Not much of a one for world news, Ethel's ears suddenly pricked up when she heard the words "Upright Rocket"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Worried about alcohol poisoning, Tom repaired to the shed to whip up another batch of his notorious Old Dirigible.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It'd take more than a bottle of Blue Nun & a bag of Ready Salted to get me doing a conga" Ma said as Maud sped by

#NewAlanBennettMonologues They found Tom & Ada dancing stark naked on the municipal bandstand claiming they were celebrating the solstice.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If your father got an eight-year ban from football" mother said "I might finally get those shelves put up."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Having a Miss Universe contest & only involving one species is rather like having a World Series in one country.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "So..." Gran asked over dinner "Isn't fracking just the same as deep coal mining, only with Borrowers...?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "This Footsie Blanket is ridiculous" said Ma, reaching for a Custard Cream, "it's like nobody ever invented socks"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I may know next to nothing about footballing..." Ma said "but even I've heard of this Morris Marina chappie..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Impatient with his pacifist son, Brian said "I doubt it'd have been so popular if they'd called it Star Lovelies!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Now that Shaun fellow has cornered the market in movie sidekicks" Mark asked "Whatever became of his sidekick?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm sick of these news items making references to Star Wars to try to seem topical" I said, trying to be topical.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues 

"If they put any more turbines in that field, it'll take off" said Tom. 

"But it'll stop it flooding" Dan replied.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues On hearing about Sam's plans for a wind farm, Doris looked at Grandad & asked "Do we really need any more wind?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It's got wheels!" said Jeff "That thing's a hoverboard in much the same way as my Morris Traveller is a hovercar"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Oh, Donald..." Mother sighed "They don't ALL want to kill you... At least no more than anybody else does..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues " The 'Star' part I can tolerate, it's the 'Wars' bit that I have a problem with..." said Mabel, wistfully.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Do you think my little tale might have been more popular if I'd set it in a spaceship & made it into a war film?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Admiring the new water feature in his garden, nobody knew that he was actually fracking underneath the Town Hall.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Hmm" said mother, reaching for another chocolate finger "Clarence House must be running short on toilet paper..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Ee, these designers" sighed Ma, spilling her tea "They do like to change things just when I've got used to them!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "At least Tim's got his rocket up" said Sis. "Go to your room!" shouted Dad, then adding "On 2nd thoughts, don't!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Actors!" tutted Madge bitterly "Always blathering on like they're not completely replaceable...!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues George wanted to make a pithy remark about the necessity of pain relief in Australia, but thought better of it.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Sam had Shaker Maker as a child & presumed it had been locked up for crimes against interesting Christmas presents

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "On the whole" Jim said "I prefer to experience the latest films when they come on TV and with commercial breaks."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If your father took that long to get a draught sorted" said Ma, pithily, "I'd have got a handyman in by now..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dorothy's attempts to copyright the word "cake" and the number "8" made her few friends down at the W.I.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada wanted him to get on with it but Stan decided to delay a decision on that 3rd flower bed & stayed in the shed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I understand what Dame Sally is saying" sniffed Maud, reaching for a scone "but is she implying that I'm portly?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't imagine they asked the dog whether she wanted to be a mother" Ma said looking pointedly at my brother & I

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "However you look at it" said Ma "going through life toothless is better than the option he gave the other fellow"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Think on" said Dad "one day you may come in & find me dead in this chair"
"Put some trousers on then" Ma replied.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After years as an MD, the decision of choosing between a scone & a macaroon felt like a bit of a comedown to Bert.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Now Stan could stop singing "Hoppy Birdie Two Ewes" at birthday parties due to worrying about the copyright fees.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"I see they've chosen the Person Of The Year" I said.
"Time will tell whether they come to regret it" Ma replied.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Well, vicar" Ma said "people do like to conveniently forget that their own religion has blood on its hands. Tea?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I might disagree with the stuff that boxer says" Dan said "but I'm certainly not going to be the one to tell him"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Now that petrol was getting to be cheaper than water, Brian's home-brew was starting to look even more promising.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Now the losing football results wouldn't be published Tom sighed & wondered what he would put in his scrapbook now

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Staring at his burnt slice of toast, Jim began to wonder what the food might really be like on planet Nigella...

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "You may think the American is an unelectable buffoon" Jim warned us "but never forget London voted for Boris...!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "You're not made of sugar. You won't melt!" said Grandad, before swimming out of the attic window to get his paper

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian wondered whether the lack of power had anything to do with the trip switch as water lapped over his wellies

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't know about Arnie" said Mam "but if I try to get your dad to eat more veg, his gas emissions increase..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Power-seekers pick a group for the ignorant to blame & fear" said Ma "I'm picking 'Politicians beginning with D'"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Nominative determinism..." Stan muttered darkly into his bitter "that fellow Trump does it from both ends...!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I thought that there were some things that even Bonio wouldn't do" said Mabel "but this really takes the biscuit"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Realising that the country actually was a sinking ship, David finally decided to put that down-payment on a yacht.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Finding out that France had moved to the right, Jim was grateful that he still relied on maps instead of a sat-nav

#NewAlanBennettMonologues As she watched her sofa float off down the lane, Maud was grateful she'd paid the extra for a waterproof coating.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I thought it was a mistake to buy Ma a cheap hoverboard but never expected her to try jumping off the roof with it

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud decided she'd better return that overdue copy of "The Long Walk To Freedom" just in case the rules changed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Sorry I'm late" Ma said "I asked a Creative Director the best way to go & it took me three weeks to get here..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Hearing kids had broken the glass of the nursery greenhouses, Stan relaxed "My cold frame seems safer now" he said

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Our school bully used to punch all of us "just in case" but it didn't help him on the day he "fell" off the roof.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If they chose that as the film of the year" I sighed "Just how bored must this National Film Board have been...?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If you fear life's lost its sparkle" tutted Maud "The thing to do is hang on & make everybody else miserable..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues David got punched on the nose by Brian. This surprised him as only the week before he'd set fire to Brian's house.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues After realising he'd misheard the word "gaze", Angry John decided not to send his letter of complaint to Radio 4.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Hannibal decided to invite a sumo wrestler round for dinner "Just for scientific research" he explained, politely.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Tom came home excited over the once-in-a-lifetime deal he'd got; "Put it over there with the other 6" Ma told him.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues When everyone else's solution to the problem had failed, cousin Dave's solution was to do exactly the same thing.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud feuded for years with Mabel over not receiving the apology that she refused to give anyway...

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Barry withdrew his bid on the sculpture when someone pointed out that it wasn't an original work by Roger Moore.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues My dentist always tunes the receiver in her surgery to "X-Radio" but then leaves the room whenever it comes on.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Over the Atlantic it's Thanksgiving Day" said Stan, whilst giving his gathered family a look of unbridled hatred.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mam decided to make a U-turn on her unpopular "one lump maximum" sugar policy which went down quite well at the WI

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Uncle Jim thought about bidding on a dinosaur skeleton; "I thought it might make a nice toast rack" he explained.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues When I was a small boy, mother served us undercooked sausages so regularly that I really began to fear the wurst.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad threw down his right-wing rag; "1 in 5 Brit Dustbins' Sympathy for Keir Hardie!" he raged. Time for his pills.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I might very well cringe if the Lord's Prayer came on in the cinema but then I also cringe through the perfume ads

#NewAlanBennettMonologues 
"Ada certainly likes Jim's wine" I said.
"Not so keen on his snoring, mind" Ma added, nibbling at her Jaffa Cake.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues 
"I hear Cousin Daniel has got a drone" I said.
"More of an annoying whine" Ma replied, sipping at her Earl Grey.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I wouldn't put it past these genii to maintain that 98% in a ballot still doesn't represent a mandate" said Doc.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "7 years to work out that failed bankers shouldn't bank" tutted Ma "They must have judged the cakes at our fete"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Always assumed 'You're so vain' was about your uncle Ron" said Dad, knowing that his tea was now going in the bin

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "At least if the PM has his own plane" said Jim "the rest of us won't have to put up with him at baggage reclaim"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If they get around to naming a storm after your cousin Ken" Ma said "don't you worry, it'll amount to nothing..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I swept up one of that John Lennon's plectrums at the Leeds Hippodrome once" said Ma "I wonder what it's worth?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Alf was shocked to be called a Binge-watcher. "Oh, I thought you had a cold" he said, deleting his browser history

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Fascist Bob had little sympathy for the stranded tourists; "Shove 'em in boats like the rest" he said. We cringed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues
"I don't like today; It's all bangs & flashers"
"You mean flashes" I replied
"I know what I mean!" Maud twinkled.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Uncle Fred bucked up when he heard the word of the year*, until he realised that his Hearing Aid wasn't switched on
* "Binge-watch" (with a B)

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't see why the National Grid has a supply problem" said Mabel "the National Gutters seem to be overflowing"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Clive decided to solve his snack craving problem by buying a bar of Cadbury's Whole Nut and a box of raisins.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mam was worried about her online activity being watched until I told her it wasn't about her bloomers on wash day.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "It's like all of those Valentine's Days cards that never happened have suddenly all come at once…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I see that I've suddenly been inundated with love hearts" said Brian "Like an explosion in a Swizzels factory…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Keith was pleased to find there'd be another 'Star Trek' because it meant all of these new ideas didn't matter.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian bucked up when he heard Margaret Thatcher's wardrobe was still available, knowing Guy Fawkes Night was near.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If you always had to apologise for saying 'sod off'..." said Mam "Your grandfather would have never shut up…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If that musical hobbit is 'raring to go'" said Mam, nibbling on some fruit cake "He could, of course, just go…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Of course it's Bennett with two Teas" said Ma down the phone "Like your Auntie Mabel always insists on having…"
#NewAlanBennettMonologues The school just rang to tell me that Jim's final report will be ready next June. He'll be 48 by then of course.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ma looked thoughtful "They only want everyone to leave that Duchess alone so that that can be exclusively hateful"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not sure I want an Icelandic volcano attached to my gas pipes" said Maud "What if I want to go on holiday?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The news that Phil Collins was no longer retired did at least get a ripple of applause at the Musician's Rest Home

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Pat was particularly concerned about puffins becoming endangered because his customers found them so very tasty.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If there's any justice" I said "the Morecambe MP's house will be the 1st thing to fall down a fracking sinkhole"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother paused & looked over at the radio "I can see why they don't call it Prime Minister's Answers" she sniffed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Jeremy was wondering about those losses announced by Volkswagen. "Have they tried looking in the boot?" he asked.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm not sure I like this Aussie Ex-PM talking to us about border control" said Maud "After all, we let him in…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "A probe's going to sweep over Saturn's moon!" I cried. "These enquiries are always just a cover-up" replied Jim

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I mentioned the M&S leaks to Mam but she didn't seem bothered. "I get ours from Ted the greengrocer. Far cheaper."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Halloween wasn't like this in my day" said mother "we just used to burn a virgin and that was the end of it…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Well, that's a turnip for the book" Ada's groceries got squashed by a van but she only thought of her collection.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I'm quite excited about Blackstar" said Kevin "if it means that I can order videotapes through the post again..."
#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I knew that your mother was trying to kill me" said father, glancing suspiciously towards his ham sandwiches.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Well, as my Auntie Delilah always used to say, 'empty testes make most noise!'" boomed Brian across the cafe.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mavis sipped her tea & wondered whether she could get a car company to take responsibility for her burnt macaroons

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I tried bringing in 'my house votes for my house rules' at home" Uncle Stan said "but your Aunt Ada vetoed me..."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I could save £70 a year just by hiding that piggy bank" muttered Dad, carefully trying not to catch Mam's eye.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "The chap who paid a surprise visit to the Russian President" asked Ada "Did he leap out of a cupboard with cake?'

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Ron, painting a 1985 Ford Escort silver neither makes it a classic nor an antique." "Or a Time Machine!" I added.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues The shop sold me some past-their-use-by-date Creme Eggs on Back To The Future Day. The flavour was much improved.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I asked the newsagent whether, considering what day it was, he'd charge me 1985 prices. I departed, disappointed.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Did we really have such big hair and shoulder pads back then?" asked Mavis "...or have we all got a bit fatter?"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I wouldn't want to go back to 1985" said Ada "though, if I did, I might stock up on proper-sized Club biscuits"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mam's quite worried about the nuclear plant deal;  she saw a film in the 1950s & hasn't trusted a vegetable since.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Dad went off to see "Jaws 19" on his hoverboard, but he's never got used to the lack of scones in this timeline.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Coming back from the pictures, Stan asked for his cocoa shaken not stirred. It took all week to clean the kitchen.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Arthur came home from the steelworks and broke all Mabel's best China. "It only seemed fair" was all he ever said.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Well, if he doesn't want his whip any more, I could find a use for it" said Maud, looking at Frank enigmatically.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Remember only one sugar lump for everyone" said Auntie "otherwise, once this sugar tax comes in, we'll be broke!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I don't know why you're so keen to get those film tickets" said Ma "it'll be on TV every Christmas until you die"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I grew up with the North-South divide" grumbled Uncle Stan "Didn't know it meant the whole ruddy planet!"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother told me she'd blocked my passport to protect customs officers from having to look at the ghastly photograph

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ethel's taken to amusing herself by drawing brown spots all over Frank's arm whenever he nods off in the chair.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mabel tried ordering one of these phone-controlled taxis, but the wire wouldn't let her get beyond her wheelie bin

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "What's Glad doing getting into Hip-Op at her age?' asked Ada, sipping at her tea "We're all big Trance fans here"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mother's eyes glazed over, fondly remembering those long past days before Alistair Cook started his innings…

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I think I saw "Thora Hird is Fat" spelled out in tea towels in the background of a "Last of the Summer Wine" once.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Well, at least next time he'll be able to look through the bathroom door first..." muttered Mavis, darkly.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Norman's unsuccessful Die Hard script involved John McClane battling some undergarment salesmen in a Wakefield B&B

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Brian was so relieved that nobody noticed that he once wrote "Amos smells" on the toilet wall of the Woolpack Inn.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues"That Boris should only play with people his own size" said Mavis.
"If he can find any…" replied Mother, tartly.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Tom was fretting because he'd not mentioned the Jaffa Cakes to his ex-wife and only offered her Custard Creams.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Ada's friends have been dropping like flies since it turned out Bridge wasn't a sport & they all took up jogging.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I explained to mother that my Man Booker invite didn't mean fake policemen would be stripping in the living room. (She seemed disappointed)

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Old Maud had several wise old sayings - "He'd rather steal a basket than pay a bob for a bag" comes to mind.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I finally took Mam to the opticians when she threw my cap on the fire because she'd been reading about hat crimes.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mam seemed unduly worried about negative inflation, but only because she'd bought some balloons for Frank's party.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I rang the BBC suggesting that they try the "Great British Quiet Night In" but they thought it was a bit too edgy.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I only used to buy it for the articles anyway" said father, whilst quietly cancelling his Playboy subscription.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues I told what I thought was a joke, but it turned out that it wasn't very funny, & for that I must humbly apologise.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Maud was insulted that the WI called her a master baker after she went to all the effort of showing them her buns.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Keith told me he was saving himself a fortune by buying carrier bags in packs of twenty at Poundland…

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "You never believed me, did you dear?" said Ma "When I told you I'd had that Fancy Smith nibbling at my nethers.."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "I can see Mr Peston doing well at ITV" said Ma, dunking a Bourbon cream "They can slip adverts into his pauses."

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "Social mobility?" spluttered mother tartly "If he thinks that I'm moving into a caravan, he's very mistaken…"

#NewAlanBennettMonologues Mabel was furious with the supermarket because they now needed to check she had actually brought her own bags.(I know this one lacks "whimsy" - it just happens to be irritatingly true…)

@LindaAtkins642 Maybe, but it has allowed you to use the word whimsy. Let's start a campaign to put whimsy back in our lives.

(It's true do so like a little whimsy… I'm also quite fond of "follysome" but I rather fear that ship has sailed.) - That's a bit "Bennetty", too, I suspect…)

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "They want to get a record number of millionaires in one place" Ma said. "Isn't parliament in recess?" I replied.

#NewAlanBennettMonologues "If I have to work til I'm 100 I don't know what I'll do" I said
"Finally understand a woman's lot?" replied Emily