"I'm not having that!" Thought I, and I began rummaging through my memories (which is actually not as straightforward as you might think) trying to remember all of the places that I've been to in my - admittedly not exactly well-travelled - little life.
And, after all of the ones that I could think of had been filled in, it ran its little algorithm and told me that I'd travelled about 40,000 miles, give or take 771 miles or so, and seen about seven percent of the entire world.
Well, obviously I've seen more than that, especially when I've had a window seat, but obviously I've been to far fewer.
Well, obviously I've seen more than that, especially when I've had a window seat, but obviously I've been to far fewer.
I began to seriously consider counting places I'd seen in films just to bump up my interest levels.
And of course, because computers are very, very stupid, in fact almost as stupid as the humans who programme them, those numbers of miles travelled can't take into account the fact that you might have been there more than once, or that you might have taken the scenic route, or gone on a few excursions whilst you were there, making those numbers that they so helpfully supply all but irrelevant.
Unless you want to impress people with that sort of mathematical absurdity, of course, which is fine.
And of course, because computers are very, very stupid, in fact almost as stupid as the humans who programme them, those numbers of miles travelled can't take into account the fact that you might have been there more than once, or that you might have taken the scenic route, or gone on a few excursions whilst you were there, making those numbers that they so helpfully supply all but irrelevant.
Unless you want to impress people with that sort of mathematical absurdity, of course, which is fine.
Way back when, in the mid 1990s, I used to have a world map up on my wall of my tragic little lonely garret, and, on one dismal Sunday afternoon in a particularly unenjoyable and lonely November, I looked at that map and wondered just how big a circle would enclose all of the bits of the world that I'd been to.
It was not a very big circle.
Then I realised that, at that point in my life, I'd already wasted five years waiting and hoping for someone to come along and possibly accompany me on some mythical holiday, and they'd patently failed to do so.
If I carried on like that, I reasoned, I might never get to go anywhere, and the very next day I bobbed out of the office at lunchtime, nipped into the nearest travel agency, and booked myself a return flight to Seattle, and, the following February, I flew out and spent three weeks driving up and down the west coast of the USA, down as far as Carmel and across to Yosemite National Park and had a fine old time of it, covering about three thousand miles in a metallic green Ford Mustang of which I got rather fond.
So there, Mr Algorithm, there's about three-thousand miles that you'd not taken into account already…!
Travel, they say, broadens the mind, even though I can have an epic "Culture-Shock Meltdown" by just not being able to work out how to flush the urinal or switch on the lights in my hotel room. That said, my adventures haven't broadened it too much, given that California is the place I've most returned to since and is usually top of my "places I'd like to go" list whenever the subject of holidays comes up.
Other places do get mentioned, of course, but, because I've not been to them myself, they always seem to be far, far too scary to imagine.
How I ever got persuaded into that Egypt trip I'll never know, but, of course, looking back, I'm really glad that we went.
If I carried on like that, I reasoned, I might never get to go anywhere, and the very next day I bobbed out of the office at lunchtime, nipped into the nearest travel agency, and booked myself a return flight to Seattle, and, the following February, I flew out and spent three weeks driving up and down the west coast of the USA, down as far as Carmel and across to Yosemite National Park and had a fine old time of it, covering about three thousand miles in a metallic green Ford Mustang of which I got rather fond.
So there, Mr Algorithm, there's about three-thousand miles that you'd not taken into account already…!
Travel, they say, broadens the mind, even though I can have an epic "Culture-Shock Meltdown" by just not being able to work out how to flush the urinal or switch on the lights in my hotel room. That said, my adventures haven't broadened it too much, given that California is the place I've most returned to since and is usually top of my "places I'd like to go" list whenever the subject of holidays comes up.
Other places do get mentioned, of course, but, because I've not been to them myself, they always seem to be far, far too scary to imagine.
How I ever got persuaded into that Egypt trip I'll never know, but, of course, looking back, I'm really glad that we went.
Meanwhile, having made the leap to add what I "reckon" to the millions of other "reckonings" on TripAdvisor, I have obviously plunged head-first into the madness and found myself another obsessive compulsion to swallow my time. After all, a few years ago, when I started reviewing things that I'd bought on Amazon, I found myself wandering around the house looking at things that I'd once bought and thinking to myself "I could review that…" until I finally knocked some sense into myself and stopped doing that.
After all, once I found that I could start writing a blog, those reviews suddenly seemed far less crucial and diverting.
So, bear with me. For a while I will no doubt find any excuse to rattle out a few words about anywhere and everywhere I've ever been, but the rationality and calmness will return eventually.
Now, can you remember where that chip shop was that we went in in 2004…?
After all, once I found that I could start writing a blog, those reviews suddenly seemed far less crucial and diverting.
So, bear with me. For a while I will no doubt find any excuse to rattle out a few words about anywhere and everywhere I've ever been, but the rationality and calmness will return eventually.
Now, can you remember where that chip shop was that we went in in 2004…?
Excellent. I love it.
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