WHO IS DISGUISE…?

Although I'm almost sure that all of the bright young sophisticates will probably snicker to themselves over my use of such an archaic term, I may have to disguise myself as what I still term, in my ignorant and simple way, a "metropolitan" again this week.

Yes, it's that time of year again, the annual day out when I have to drag my reluctant body down the country once more and spend a few hours in the ghastly metropolis that they call "London" for business purposes.

This means, of course, that I have to look the part so that my simple, country ways are not taken advantage of my those wicked people in the big, bad city.

Of course, I have absolutely no idea what a "metropolitan" is supposed to look like, but I fear that it may involve moisturiser…

Anyway, I will do my level best to sift through the contents of the wardrobe and attire myself in apparel which fails to scream "bumpkin" to all and sundry as the pass me by and chuckle cruelly at my simple, homespun manner.

This, I imagine, will require me to tie my scarf in a particular manner and carry all my things in a satchel or "man bag" in order to blend in (or are those already SO 2013...?) I shall need to shun my annual treat of a swiftly grabbed fast-food meal and instead look longingly at the falafel wraps being sold at the healthy options outlet on Euston station.

There may need to be some sort of scent splashed on, and my dog-eared old book will have to be dismissed in favour of my rinky-dinky screen-based option just so that there cannot be any laughing and pointing or (even worse) "hilarious" photos taken of both me and my "old-fashioned" ways and cruelly posted to the world wide web so that they can mock me too.

Cyber-bullying is a very bad thing, people.

Remember that.

And even if the cyber-bullying is a surreptitious photograph snapped of a silly looking man who's just doing his best to blend in and will probably never even see the photograph you've taken, it's still bullying of a sort...