GUARD CAT

We were talking at work the other day about the possibilities of buying ourselves a Guard Cat, or, perhaps more specifically, a Guard Tiger. Considering the number of break-ins we have suffered whilst remaining in those offices, we were looking at various options, but this was one which seemed to appeal on certain levels, perhaps because it referred in part to the "Big Cat" operating system names until so recently much favoured by the Apple Computer Company, but also because it might just scare whatever little buggers next break in to the place half to death.

Just think about the advantages. Putting a sign outside the office saying "Beware of the Tiger" might not convince many of the cynical young urchins who have been tempted into a life of crime, but coming across a bloody great live one once they'd broken in might make them rethink a few things about their lifestyle choices, and, being trapped indoors with a hungry Tiger might even make them ring for help and thus hand themselves over to the officers of the law at the same time, and even just seeing a tiger through the window might be enough to dissuade them from venturing further inside.

Equally, if by some miracle these rapscallions were able to have it away on their toes with our valuables, there's a fair chance that the Tiger might just make the most of the opportunity to use their entry route as an escape route for itself and, under those circumstances, I'm fairly certain that the law enforcement officers might make slightly more effort to track down an escaped Tiger than they ever seem to in trying to track down our missing stuff.

After all, when someone spotted that stuffed Tiger sitting in a field in Hampshire a couple of years ago, all kinds of things were put into operation to try and capture it, were they not?

We all know from the vacuum cleaner adverts that Tigers are fairly benign creatures, so it ought to be easy enough to just park it in the next office along during the day, put out some food as we leave and then open a connecting hatch once we're safely out of the way, and then do the same in reverse the following day. It would, of course, also mean renting the office next door, but I'm sure we'll get a decent rate given that all of the building would probably benefit from the increased security despite how blase they seem to have become because it's not them getting turned over all the time (so far, anyway...)

Naturally, employing such methods would very probably turn out to be highly illegal, and I'm sure that the little swines (or their families) might think that they've got every reason to sue should their beloved little darlings happen to be set upon by our Guard Tiger, but I'm sure that the clearly posted signs bearing warnings like "Anyone entering these premises does so at their own risk, because we've got a bloody great Tiger in here, and not just one of those tame ones that you may have seen in those magic shows on TV but an actual, genuine, fearsome old predator and man-eater..."would get us off that particular hook fairly swiftly, assuming the little dears can read, of course, but, other than that, well the notion really does appeal.

Once upon a long ago, I was idly standing in the "farm" section of Chester Zoo for some reason or other when, drifting across the afternoon air, there came the roar of an obviously very angry Tiger and I can vividly recall how a shudder of fear ran through me as if some ancient flight response was being awaked by the mere proximity of that magnificent yet terrifying creature.

Suffice to say, I felt rather on edge for much of the rest of the afternoon, right until we got well away from that Zoo, in fact, so if a jaded old cynic like me can be impressed by the roar of a caged wild beast from a good few hundred yards away, I'm pretty sure that using one as a security system can't be the worst idea in the world, can it...

And, if for any reason you, dear reader, are contemplating an act of villainy in the near future (which I'm sure you're not because you are all fine, upstanding citizens, I'm sure) just remember that you might  find yourself with a Tiger to deal with...

You have been warned...!